Big business pens open letter to Johnson over 'Freedom Day' postponement

A group of super rich businessmen and women has written an open letter to Boris Johnson, expressing fury at yesterday's climbdown, in not granting England its long-awaited 'Freedom Day'.

One magnate said: 'Is this the bulldog spirit? Can we allow what is clearly the greatest country in the world to be held to ransom by some sneaky underhand nasty foreign bug?'

'And don't talk to me about suffering. I have personally lost millions of pounds worth of value from my companies, leaving me with only a few billion in the bank. How am I to make ends meet? I'm facing ruin here.'

While another complained. 'It might seem like our group is motivated purely by colossal greed for monstrously massive self gains. It could perhaps appear that we're quite happy to play Russian Roulette with the lives of our workforces.'

'Well, perish the thought. Nothing could be further from the truth. You can certainly trust me on that score too. What's more, I am thinking very seriously of implementing the minimum wage across all my business, as well as abolishing zero hours contracts too.'

Meanwhile the former 'Quiet Man' of politics, Iain Duncan Smith, is said to be enraged by the PM's capitulation in the face of the overwhelming medical advice and evidence. An insider said that IDS was "going to jolly well do something about it" assuming he can find anyone of importance, influence or clout prepared to listen to him.

'Selfless generosity' as vaccine leftovers to go to poor instead of the bin

In an act of selfless generosity the world's richest countries have decided to donate their unwanted, leftover vaccines to poor countries instead of just binning them.

This selfless act will of course come after all men, women, children, dogs, cats and hamsters have received at least three doses of the vaccine at which point the world's poorest can have a go at protecting their elderly and vulnerable.

Kindness and sacrifice on this scale will surely bode well for any future discussions with poorer nations around climate change targets, explains Boris Johnson: 'What more proof is needed that we are all in it together?'

Poorer nations are yet to comment as they are a little busy trying to stop people dying, stop the virus spreading and prop up their inadequate healthcare systems.

Combined efforts of Repair Shop experts unable to restore one man's reputation

In a sensational TV first, the experts at BBC's Repair Shop have collectively admitted defeat and been unable to restore something brought into their workshop.

Viewers watched in disbelief as a blond, tousle-haired, rotund apelike man from London shambled into the barn, after leaning his rather heavy and chunky bicycle against the wall outside. The man explained he had brought a completely shattered reputation and asked if the experts could somehow repair it.

Workshop Supremo, Jay Blades, was sympathetic to the request and assured the man that he and the team would 'give the task their absolute collective best,' and 'do what they could'; but he cautioned, that in his opinion, as the reputation was so badly damaged, its owner 'should not hold out an awful lot of hope.'

He later told viewers. 'To be honest, this is a totally lost cause really, but we'll have a go anyway. Thing is, there are no original parts and over the years it's been destroyed by serial procrastination, and an utter disregard for the truth or decency. It's shagged in my opinion. But, who knows, maybe Will can somehow work a miracle.'

As cameras rolled every single craftsman and woman attempted the repair and restoration of the tattered reputation, but in the end none was able make progress, with one who wished to remain anonymous commenting: 'Even Barry Bucknell in his prime couldn't get a result here.'

The reputation's owner was seen returning a week later when it was left to Blades to break the bad news. He sat the man down in a sideroom and in a hushed voice explained: 'Sorry mate, we tried everything but this is just too far gone. There's nothing can be done with it. I'm afraid it's entirely f*@ked.'