Miliband asks for ten years to fix Manchester United

In a bold statement of intent, the Labour Leader Ed Miliband has set out a ten-year plan to reverse the damage done by successive managers at Old Trafford. Whilst many of his critics suggested that a decent centre half and holding midfielder would be sufficient, a Labour spokesman insisted it would take a long-term economic plan to improve results, clone Ryan Giggs and change the word ‘United’ to ‘City’ on the stationery.

Many in Westminster think Miliband should be more focused on national issues but Labour supporters have said solving the crisis at Old Trafford was a more pressing concern. One Shadow Cabinet member commented: ‘With Chelsea resurgent and Arsenal looking more balanced, Ed can’t afford to be complacent. Yes, we have a battling midfield presence like Ed Balls, but we’ve also got Ed Balls as a potential Chancellor of the Exchequer. Frankly I’d rather leave him on the pitch, he’ll cause less damage there.’

Unveiling his vision of the future, Miliband’s spokesman made it very clear that it was ‘jam tomorrow, if by tomorrow you mean 3,650 days later’. However, many commentators are curious as to why Miliband needs such an inordinate amount of time to do his job properly.

A spokesman explained: ‘Ed’s not the fastest learner. He sees himself more as the Special Needs Prime Minister - deserving all the opportunities as any normal Prime Minister, but just with 25% extra time in exams.’ By contrast the Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, has claimed that should he become PM he will require only half the usual time to screw things up.

Louis Van Gaal has already given a cautious welcome to the offer of six national goals, but said it would make no difference if Miliband continued to ship more own goals. In other promises, meanwhile, Miliband has offered to sort out your plumbing, resolve the problems in the Middle East and combat the causes of ennui within a ten-year window.

However, fixing United will definitely be his primary electioneering issue. A spokesman said: ‘Ed knows what it can be like being Phil Neville, living in the shadow of a more talented brother. Equally he knows more than most how hard it is to follow a pugnacious Scot, who hangs on to power one season too long.’

Bolsonaro chronic hiccups is just his soul trying to escape

Reports that the Brazilian President is in hospital for hiccups, have been confused with the fact, that what little remains of his good conscience is leaving by the nearest available exit. Frustrated by residing in the body of crypto fascist, his remaining scruples were hoping to jump into the body of someone more kindly – like Ted Bundy.

Bolsonaro has been unable to stop hiccupping for the past ten days and has been unable to feel compassion for the last sixty years. The last twinge of guilt he experienced was when a talking cricket leapt on his shoulder to offer him moral advice, after which Bolsonaro demanded that his guards shoot the creature in the back of the head.

In fact, he is the first politician whose hiccups have lasted longer than his commitment to the environment. The President warned his soul that it would only leave over his dead body, to which the soul replied: ‘That was kind of the point’.

‘No, not that kind of racism’ say Tories

Following Euro 2020, leading Conservatives like Boris Johnson and Priti Patel have remembered to quickly condemn the kind of racists who have been a bit too obvious about it, for being too obvious about it.

A Tory grandee interrupted his supper to bloviate: ‘You can't just say you don't like black people. That's racist and wrong. Instead, you heavily imply you don’t like black people by saying that taking the knee is gesture politics or Marcus Rashford should stick to football. Or you can condone it by implication, like refusing to criticise booing racists or needlessly cutting the foreign aid budget. That's populist and right and makes sure it’s a vote winner with our core demographic, white English xenophobes.’

‘You’ve got to keep your racism classy’ he continued, before belching deeply.

‘Populism equals racism plus time – that’s the Boris formula. That and wallpapering over his infidelities.’