Beach pebble amnesty goes horribly wrong

It seemed a good idea. Many people who visit Chesil Beach take home a pebble or two as a souvenir. Over time this significantly weakens the flood defences and threatens the local habitat. So the Environment Agency offered an amnesty to anyone returning pebbles to the beach, telling them that there would be no fines or further action.

What actually happened was a nightmare.

A spokesman said, 'We’ve had lorryloads of rubble dumped on Chesil Beach. Most of the stones were not from Chesil Beach in the first place, and the brickwork, reinforced concrete, asbestos and steel girders definitely didn’t originate from here.'

The member staff who came up with the scheme has been redeployed to Chesil Beach and will stay there until he has cleared up the mess. He will also have to repay a staff suggestion scheme award of £50.

Image: Ethan Z (@ezhu430) | Unsplash Photo Community

Help out in the Great British Turdwatch

'We would like everyone with an hour to spare this weekend to take part in a useful and enjoyable environmental survey called the Great British Turdwatch, said a spokesman for Least Effort, Narrowly Avoiding Prosecution - the industry association for the UK's water companies.

'Just spend 60 minutes taking a walk along a beach or a riverbank near you, or go surfing in the sea, and count the pieces of untreated waste matter that you step in, see floating past you, or swallow.

'Then send your results to us. In the best traditions of turdwatching, you should identify the nature of the excrement you encountered by detailing general impression, size and shape.

'We will collate all your contributions and then keep the results a corporate secret.

'However, we can confidently predict that high performers in the 2024 Turdwatch will be those traditionally turd-rich environments - the lower Thames, Portsmouth, Blackpool and Newquay in Cornwall.

"And don't forget - for every piece of effluent you report we will be adding £10 to your water bill. It's up to you how much of the truth you dare to tell us."

Adapting to the modern times