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Help out in the Great British Turdwatch




'We would like everyone with an hour to spare this weekend to take part in a useful and enjoyable environmental survey called the Great British Turdwatch, said a spokesman for Least Effort, Narrowly Avoiding Prosecution - the industry association for the UK's water companies.


'Just spend 60 minutes taking a walk along a beach or a riverbank near you, or go surfing in the sea, and count the pieces of untreated waste matter that you step in, see floating past you, or swallow.


'Then send your results to us. In the best traditions of turdwatching, you should identify the nature of the excrement you encountered by detailing general impression, size and shape.


'We will collate all your contributions and then keep the results a corporate secret.


'However, we can confidently predict that high performers in the 2024 Turdwatch will be those traditionally turd-rich environments - the lower Thames, Portsmouth, Blackpool and Newquay in Cornwall.


"And don't forget - for every piece of effluent you report we will be adding £10 to your water bill. It's up to you how much of the truth you dare to tell us."

Dirty diesel drivers aim to sabotage London ULEZ



If the ULEZ doesn’t improve air quality, then it will fail and be scrapped. In order to ensure that air quality doesn’t improve, a well financed group of dodgy drivers is procuring the highest emitting cars, usually dirty diesels from the emissions scandal era (Volkswagens), and driving them through London all day long.


A spokesman said ‘This is a well organised and legal protest. We pay the congestion charge and the ULEZ charge for each car. Then our recruits drive the cars round and round central London in circles spewing out noxious nasties to bugger up the air quality. We like to target Sadiq Khan’s office and we also like to drive back and forth past the emissions monitoring stations.’


‘We just hate clean air. It does cost us quite a lot, but we are footing the bill ourselves because you can’t put a price on democracy... unless you’re a Tory.’


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