Nigel Farage Reports XTC to Police

Nigel Farage has reported the 1979 new wave band XTC to the Metropolitan Police after discovering that Making Plans for Nigel contains his first name.

Farage said the song had “clearly been lying dormant as a sleeper cell for nearly fifty years” before being activated by his recent social media activity.

“They always deny it,” he explained. “First it’s an innocent pop song. Next thing you know, it’s awaiting instructions.”

Counter-terrorism officers are now examining XTC’s back catalogue for other suspected sleeper cells. Generals and Majors is being investigated for military subversion, while Senses Working Overtime is believed to contain coded messages that can only be unlocked by playing it backwards.

The surviving members of XTC insist the song was written in 1979 about a completely different Nigel.

Reform sources described that as “exactly the sort of cover story you’d establish if you were planning a fifty-year deep-state, establishment operation.”

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Tigers love Hot Chocolate

Rock groups to open up the Strait of Hormuz

An international coalition of countries has announced its audacious plan to get ships moving through the Strait of Hormuz again.

Instead of spending billions to defend the shipping lanes with warships, the coalition will pay famous rock groups and boy bands to escort the ships through.  The reasoning is that Iran would not risk harming K-pop bands like BTS, or iconic groups like Dire Straits.

A spokesman said, ‘Yes, the cost is enormous, but it’s still much cheaper to pay these bands to perform on container ships rather than calling in the military.  And it will be a lot cheaper and more environmentally friendly than firing off expensive munitions.  This way we can serenade all the ships in the Strait, keep things calm, and allow the flow of goods to and fro.’

BTS were one of the first groups to sign up.  Now that members of the band have completed their military service in Korea they are keen to see some real action.  ‘Yes,’ said one of the carefully manicured group, ‘we will be belting out our most famous hits and yes, we will be live-streaming it all, and yes, we will be plugging our latest merch.  We know that our global appeal will keep us safe.  No-one will dare to attack us.  We have millions of fans worldwide in every country. Any regime that harms us can expect cruel and unusual retribution for decades to come.’

Donald Trump has castigated the international coalition for ‘wimping out’ and ‘not having the balls to bomb things’ and for failing to sign US rock groups like Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band, The Monkees, Metallica and The Beach Boys.

Image credit: perchance.org