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American singer-songwriter Barry Mann, who is best known for putting the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp, has been hospitalised with repetitive strain injury from the effects of shaking hands with the untold numbers of men who told him it made their baby fall in with love them.


‘It’s been a bit of a nightmare,’ said Mann from his bedside at New York-Presbyterian Hospital in Manhattan. ‘Scarcely a day has gone by since 1958 without some wiseacre coming up and pumping my hand for making his baby fall in love with him.


‘I mean, I grew up in 1950s America too, so I don’t have a particularly high regard for women, but even I didn’t think some dumb lyrics would have this effect on them. Not to mention the few hundred subsequently divorced men who have punched me in the face and told me I’d ruined their lives.'


Mann’s co-writer Gerry Goffin, who put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop and the dip in the dip da dip da dip, died in 2014 after suffering twice as much hand shaking from loved-up seniors.


‘I suppose it’s as well I didn’t actually put the ram in the rama lama ding dong too,’ said Mann. ‘Especially considering that in the 1970s it emerged that Rama Lama Ding Dong is actually a woman. You can insert your own 'Welsh' joke here.’


Image by Marie Sjödin from Pixabay


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In a legal first, the right thumb of legendary Level 42 Bassist, Mark King, is to sue its owner for sustained cruelty, mistreatment and loss of earnings spanning a period of over forty years.


The thumb told Rolling Stone: 'I've had enough. For as long as i can remember he's been bashing the living daylights out of me and knocking me against steel cables without so much as even a thought for my wellbeing. His behaviour has been callous in the extreme. Why couldn't he just use a plectrum like many other bassists?


'Do you know that he once had me insured for £3 million pounds. Well precious little I saw of that, I can tell you.

When he's been getting all the plaudits, not to mention the money, over the years all I've been getting is appalling treatment with nothing to show for being integral in creating his so-called "sound".'


Showbiz legal hotshots are watching developments in the case closely, as they believe that should the thumb's lawsuit prove successful then the floodgates will open with many other celebrity body parts trying their luck through the courts.


Already said to be high on the list are Mick Jagger's lips, Kylie Minogue's bum and Dolly Parton's breasts.

There are also as yet unconfirmed reports, that in a preemptive move, a crack legal team has already been briefed by Donald Trump's penis.


Photo by freestocks on Unsplash

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