Football commentators say pre-season has been 'unbelievably fantastic'

Preparations for the new Premier League season are almost complete for television pundits and most are agreed that the pre-season friendly matches have, yet again, been either 'unbelievable', 'fantastic' or 'unbelievably fantastic'. 

Opinions are divided on whether Liverpool's transfer business will enable them to retain the league title, whether Manchester United will be less useless than last year and whether Arsenal finally buying a striker will make them less Spursy.  However, the potential use of any other superlatives to describe good players playing well this season was described as 'unbelievable'.

Despite reported rumours of words such as wonderful and memorable being introduced for the new season, it is understood that no additions were made to the commentators' vocabulary during the summer.  On the contrary, pre-season training has concentrated on strengthening the use of the existing structures and patterns of speech to make best use of the existing words.  However, Ally McCoist can still only say unbelievable or fantastic about the beautiful game, and not unbelievably fantastic.  Apparently there is no chance whatsoever of him ever mastering fantastically unbelievable.

Gary Neville meanwhile, is said to be working on the judicious use of 'sensational' during his post-match analysis to describe an obdurate defender kicking a tricky, creative winger right up in the air.  But if such a significant change to his delivery doesn't work first time, he is prepared to go back to the tried and trusted 'unbelievable'.

Footballer admits that hand signals before a corner mean absolutely nothing

A Premier league footballer has admitted that the complex hand signals made to team mates just before taking a corner kick mean absolutely f*@k all. 

'They're all absolute bollocks to be fair', said Paul Jones, Brentford's reliable number 7. 'That one I do with my left arm aloft, 4 fingers raised - it really means nothing, mate'. 

'The long wait with both my arms straight in the air, looking over earnestly at Dave on the back post? Completely meaningless', continued Jones. 

'At the end of the day, there's only 2 types of corner - inswinger or outswinger', admitted Jones. 'If the ball lands on someone’s head? Pure luck'. 

Jones also revealed that when footballers were cupping their hands and whispering to each other before free kicks, they were likely to sharing a crude joke, or discussing which pub they'd be going to after the game. 

'Commentators and pundits read a lot into them, saying we’re tactical geniuses, but none of our signals or secret whispers mean a thing', said Jones. 'Oh, with one exception. That fast upward and downward movement with my hand in a fist shape, whilst mouthing 'W@*ker to the referee - that's totally genuine'.  

Everton Seeks to Establish 'European Suboptimal League'

In a fresh challenge to Europe’s football status quo, Everton have announced they intend to form a breakaway entity called the ‘European Suboptimal League.’ The league will feature sides ‘that have over the years consistently possessed the will to renounce excellence,’ said a spokesman at a sparsely attended press conference. ‘Fans want to see action on the pitch that reflects their own lived experiences: thankless, unending drudgery, punctuated by occasional outbursts of spectacular failure.’

It remains unclear which other squads Everton will seek to recruit, though West Ham, San Marino, and sides currently or formerly managed by Wayne Rooney are thought to be among those in the frame. The Suboptimal League spokesman denied rumours that Manchester United would be allowed to join. ‘While they have expressed considerable interest, we don’t want teams who have purchased inadequacy, but rather those who have earned it through years of unstinting toil.’

The move has been a long time coming, according to Alfred Newman, Professor of Advanced Mediocrity Studies at the University of Liverpool. ‘For many years Everton have been looking for ways to monetize their indescribable nondescriptness,’ he said, ‘and it appears they may now have found the perfect solution.’ However, Newman warned that the league may not be sustainable over the long term. ‘It is likely that at least a handful of the teams in the league would actually win several matches, which would begin to dent their brands.’

 Newman said that ‘subtle rules changes could enhance the league’s staying power’ by ensuring a proliferation of draws. For example, ‘a ravenous mastiff could be released onto the pitch every time a squad gets the ball into the final third.’ Another approach would involve equipping keepers with ‘gloves that shoot enormous jets of flame.’ Newman suggested these ideas could be piloted in ‘a league of lesser significance, like the MLS.’

A Premier League representative expressed little concern over Everton’s move. ‘We can live without them,’ he said, apparently suppressing a yawn. ‘But if this new league does come into existence, maybe it could take David Coote off our hands.’

Image credit: "Project 366 #97: 060424 It's Been A While" by comedy_nose is marked with CC0 1.0.