In a fresh challenge to Europe’s football status quo, Everton have announced they intend to form a breakaway entity called the ‘European Suboptimal League.’ The league will feature sides ‘that have over the years consistently possessed the will to renounce excellence,’ said a spokesman at a sparsely attended press conference. ‘Fans want to see action on the pitch that reflects their own lived experiences: thankless, unending drudgery, punctuated by occasional outbursts of spectacular failure.’
It remains unclear which other squads Everton will seek to recruit, though West Ham, San Marino, and sides currently or formerly managed by Wayne Rooney are thought to be among those in the frame. The Suboptimal League spokesman denied rumours that Manchester United would be allowed to join. ‘While they have expressed considerable interest, we don’t want teams who have purchased inadequacy, but rather those who have earned it through years of unstinting toil.’
The move has been a long time coming, according to Alfred Newman, Professor of Advanced Mediocrity Studies at the University of Liverpool. ‘For many years Everton have been looking for ways to monetize their indescribable nondescriptness,’ he said, ‘and it appears they may now have found the perfect solution.’ However, Newman warned that the league may not be sustainable over the long term. ‘It is likely that at least a handful of the teams in the league would actually win several matches, which would begin to dent their brands.’
Newman said that ‘subtle rules changes could enhance the league’s staying power’ by ensuring a proliferation of draws. For example, ‘a ravenous mastiff could be released onto the pitch every time a squad gets the ball into the final third.’ Another approach would involve equipping keepers with ‘gloves that shoot enormous jets of flame.’ Newman suggested these ideas could be piloted in ‘a league of lesser significance, like the MLS.’
A Premier League representative expressed little concern over Everton’s move. ‘We can live without them,’ he said, apparently suppressing a yawn. ‘But if this new league does come into existence, maybe it could take David Coote off our hands.’
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