'Pretty sure the limit is two consecutive terms' says Trump

President Trump announced today that he was 'pretty sure' the two-term limit for presidents meant two consecutive terms, not two overall.

'I’ve got a copy of a constitution here, and it’s all pretty clear,' said the orange baboon. 'I have the best constitutional scholars, terrific guys, everyone says so…'

However, a team of actual constitutional scholars said the document didn’t look genuine to them, saying the handwriting looked rather like Trump’s, and they didn’t think the constitution was written with a Sharpie on A4 photocopier paper watermarked with the words 'Office Depot'.

'Not true,' replied Trump, saying he had a picture of the constitution being signed to prove it. However, this turned out to be a still from the musical 'Hamilton' onto which he’d photoshopped his own face.

Image: WixAI

Trump to Deport Mount Rushmore Heads

In another surprise initiative from an increasingly erratic administration, American President Donald Trump has announced that the four gigantic presidential heads chiselled into Mount Rushmore will be deported to Guantanamo Bay. 'It has come to the attention of Emp – er – President Trump that two of the four heads depict undocumented immigrants, the third is very ugly, and the fourth looks like he's wearing glasses, a sure sign of genetic inferiority,' said an administration spokesman.

According to knowledgeable insiders, the administration initially planned to replace all four deportees with Donald Trump heads. A late push by Elon Musk to reserve at least one spot for himself has generated internal tension, these sources claim. JD Vance would also like a place, though his request has been greeted largely with mockery. 'We see JD more as a dashboard ornament,' said one of the insiders.

If the move is carried out, it would be the largest sea transfer of human cranial representations since the shipment of Jose Mourinho to Fenerbahçe in Turkey last year. 'The Mourinho project was an immense engineering feat,' said Alfred Newman, Professor of Nautical Difficulties at the University of Portsmouth. 'A specialized cargo vessel was needed to accommodate his cranial immensity,' Newman explained.

The facilities at Guantanamo Bay are too small to store the heads indefinitely, but their ultimate destination remains uncertain. The administration has offered 'any nation in the world' $10 million worth of $Trump memecoins in exchange for accepting the heads, but the offer has 'inexplicably generated little interest,' according to the Trump spokesman. 'We may just have to invade someplace,' admitted one of the administration insiders. 'Greenland is pretty big, maybe we can just dump the damn things there.'

Image: TheDigitalArtist - Pixabay

Indian music mix-up as remedial level US President targets sitarists

'The Indian music industry has been targeted by DOGE,' confirmed Ramesh Raj, head of Mumbai Records. 'It is a level of racist profiling and elimination we expected, but it's like the US government just opened the bomb bay doors upon us. We are completely devastated. It has set back traditional Hindi music centuries.

'What rubs salt in the wounds the most, though, is that we suspect Mr Donald was actually trying to shut down satirists.

'Of course, we have no beef with satirists as they are all splendid and lovely people who have always treated us with respect. When their time comes, they will be reincarnated as the fingers of George Harrison.

'But there is no question we have been made a mockery of.'

image from pixabay

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