Archaeologist unearths Republican spine

In a development that has shocked the scientific world, an American archaeologist has reported the discovery of a Republican spine underneath the Mall in Washington, DC. Excavation for the new 700-foot-tall Donald Trump Monument uncovered the bizarre relic. ‘This was completely unexpected,’ said Frieda Newman, lead archaeologist for the project and Professor of Political Nematodes at Stanford University. ‘We had no idea that Republicus americanus had ever been vertebrates.’

Speculation immediately turned to which Republican might have had a spine. Focus initially fell on former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, but investigation later revealed that the Terminator star is, in fact, still alive. ‘Someone on our team said maybe it came from [Senator] Mitch McConnell,’ Newman said. ‘We all had a good laugh.’

On a hastily arranged Zoom call, baffled experts eventually decided that the spine was probably that of Abraham Lincoln, America’s 16th president. A nationwide search is now underway to locate the rest of his remains. ‘If it’s Lincoln, it’s unclear why the rest of him isn’t here,’ said one of the experts, speaking on condition of anonymity. ‘We cannot rule out foul play.’

The experts also debated where the rare item should be displayed. Some suggested that it could be an exhibit in the forthcoming 110-story Trump Museum Tower, slated for construction on the former site of Arlington National Cemetery. Others suggested it could reside in the new Trump Wing of the Smithsonian’s Museum of Trump, American History, Trump, and Trump.

However, the object could prove to be highly controversial. ‘People are going to ask why we’re displaying a Republican spine but not a Democratic one,’ another expert observed. ‘And the answer – because we haven’t found one yet - will surely anger a lot of folks.’

Samantha Fox scuppers US-UK trade deal

Officials are in despair and believe that a US-UK trade deal cannot now be saved.

Negotiations had been progressing, but had become increasingly difficult.

UK negotiators have explained that local food standards, while fairly lax, did not allow food companies to kill their customers quickly, although ill effects were allowed to accumulate over many years. They cited beer, tuna laced with mercury, and greasy food as examples.

The US negotiators accused the Brits of being very namby-pamby and nanny state about over the counter drugs. They championed the American system in which you can buy all the drugs you can afford in any pharmacy, and in which antibiotic resistance is just god’s way of telling you to invent new and even more expensive drugs.

These issues, and many others, had been chewed over and compromises found.  However, at the eleventh hour, the US side had demanded - as part of the deal - presidential access to former page 3 girl Sam Fox. The president seems to have developed an unhealthy attachment to Sam Fox after seeing copies of The Sun on visits to Scotland.   He subsequently acquired a full set of back issues and keeps his favourite pictures in the bathroom at Mar-a-Lago.

British negotiators fear that the Sam Fox issue is a deal breaker and a condition on which they cannot deliver.

A spokesman said, 'The US side clearly expects Sam Fox to look exactly the same as she did 40 years ago. But us Brits have never had the same enthusiasm as the Yanks for cosmetic surgery. Even if we could provide presidential access to a naturally aged Sam Fox, we are worried that the President might feel that he'd been fobbed off. And no-one, not even Samantha Fox, wants to fob off a US President.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Trump's version of 'speak softly'

The current President of the United States seems to have adopted his own slightly modified version of Theodore Roosevelt's famous aphorism 'speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far'. The revised version amounts to 'yell incoherently and brandish a big stick wildly in all directions.'

It remains to be seen how far he will go.

(There is another version, of course: 'Whisper quietly in your president's ear while carrying a chainsaw.')

Picture credit: Wix AI