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US presidential candidates allowed to give age in dog years to avoid sounding too old



Washington has finally found a way around the problem of the embarrassing number of octogenarians jostling to become the next resident of the White House. With assistance from the American Kennel Club, each geriatric candidate has been assigned a new canine age.


Congressman Winthrop Stoad III of Georgia, 94, has just entered the contest as a 31-year-old. 'It helps people forget that I've been in Congress since 1948 and voted for Jim Crow laws right through the 1950s,' he explains.


However, candidate Senator Bill Wilks of Massachusetts, 38, is not happy: 'My new age is 10 and my campaign manager has just been arrested for child trafficking.'


Joe Biden is also having problems adjusting to being caninised. 'He's taking the whole dog thing too seriously,' complains one of his aides. 'I wish he'd stop barking and trying to hump my leg.'



First published 15 Jun 2023


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Trump hopes to win Congress over by plans to have White House ballroom modelled on Xanadu


During what is thought to be a nap brought on by sundowning (dementia fatigue), the US President discarded the notion from a previous dream, where he imagined himself as a deity, and now realises he is the reincarnation of Kubla Khan and intends to have the White House ballroom modelled on Xanadu.


In a post on Truth Social, President Trump promised the ballroom would be opened by none other than Olivia Neutron-Bomb, singing her hit record, with a cast of reality TV dancists, hand-picked and schooled in dancing perfection by himself.


The President went on to say, he is having slot meters that accept Trumpcoins fitted to the Electric Light Orchestra, so guests can hear Xanadu played as many times as they wish.

US Forces seize Easter Bunny



Donald Trump has announced that US Forces have captured the Easter Bunny at an unknown location and transported him to New York, for trial.


The Easter Bunny stands accused of un-American acts. These acts include 

  • Going against government initiatives to Make America Healthy Again and are related to the unauthorised and unregulated distribution of foodstuffs, notably chocolate

  • Promotion of food products containing ingredients not grown in America, including cocoa

  • Unauthorised dumping of foodstuff and other detritus in a public place, relating to the wanton abandonment of foil wrapped eggs in parks, gardens and municipal property


The President has said that the operation against the Easter Bunny and his evil regime was a total, massive, huge success and that Americans have been saved from the expensive, subversive and unhealthy influence of a vast organised criminal conspiracy.


US Forces are also reported to be seizing Easter Eggs and other chocolate goods from stores. These will, apparently, be ‘put beyond use’. This will happen swiftly, and no trace of the contraband chocolate goods will remain after Easter Sunday.


The President has criticised neighbouring countries, allies, enemies, Europeans and penguins on the Marshall Islands for not supporting the US action. He said that everyone ‘talked a good story about taking out the Easter Bunny’, but when it came to the crunch, they had all melted away.


image by grok

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