Trump reboots Pirates of the Caribbean

In a sequel no one asked for, Trump seized a Venezuelan tanker laden with doubloons. Like Captain Jack Sparrow, but less coherent, the President promised booty for his allies and booty-calls for his interns.

To be a true pirate, Mr.Trump should technically take his prize to a secret island filled with illegal activity. But, sadly, his friend Jeffrey is dead. Instead, he'll have to smuggle the stolen oil to the US - just like all his predecessors.

One Venezuelan ranted: 'You're the worst President I've ever heard of. An immoral, corrupt, pervert!'

'Yes,' countered Trump, 'but you have heard of me.'

Image credit: perchance.org

Who’s in charge now? The current US order of presidential succession

This handy guide will help you to work out Who's in charge now? It explains the current order of presidential order of succession, if something were to happen:

• Vice President – Easily manipulated Tech Bro Yes man

• Speaker of the House - Easily manipulated religious weirdo

• President Pro Tempore of the Senate – A 92-year-old man*

• Secretary of State – Sycophantic loser who can’t look in the mirror

• Secretary of the Treasury - Sycophantic loser who loves looking in the mirror

• Secretary of Defense (War) – Cheating, alcoholic content provider

• Attorney General - Trump’s personal liar and eye candy – thrown out when Trump goes

• Secretary of the Interior – Billionaire climate-change denier

• Secretary of Agriculture – Incompetent empathy void

• Secretary of Commerce – A simple toady idiot

This list goes on to include anti-vax sociopaths and dog murderers, all of them sex trafficker apologists. If you need to know exactly how this list continues, then something is seriously wrong....

* He was around at the same time as Paul von Hindenburg, the second president of the German Weimar

Republic

Image credit: stablediffusion.com

Marbles handed in to White House lost property

A set of marbles, apparently found next to a few playing cards, is amongst the items in the White House lost property office. Staff are hoping to trace the owner who is thought to be a child, possibly a toddler.

White House spokespindoctor Karoline Leavitt suggested that they were left behind by the previous administration and probably belonged to former President Joe Biden. However, it has been confirmed that Mr Biden still has all his marbles and continues to play with a full deck of cards.

Other items handed in recently include a sandwich, which may have been part of someone’s picnic, and the storyline of a play, which indicates someone has lost the plot.

When someone from the lost property department went to ask the President about the items, he wasn’t in his usual rocking chair in the Oval Office. It would appear that Trump has gone off his rocker.

Photo by Christine Tan on Unsplash