Boris fined in guineas but his bribes still in metric

Boris' fines to be paid in guineas but his bribes will still be metric

The PM announced that Imperial measurements would be making a comeback, with all his bull$it weighed in tonnes. His spokeswoman said: 'Boris will not budge an inch on resigning, or 2.5cm in your parlance'.

His bilge would be marked by the gallon. His honesty by the ounce. And the number of his wives would be measured in acres.

'Finally, the average Brit will get to buy a pint using a pound, rather than the ghastly system of pints and pounds that we have now. Boris will be giving the nation back it's inch, he'll just happen to be taking a mile in return'.

Johnson to change deadly sins system to five

The Prime-minister has announced a revamp of what was previously known as the 7 deadly sins with gluttony and lust being removed "as soon as practical, certainly before Carrie finds out".

Mr Rees-Mogg, appearing blinking and ruffled after months of searching for Brexit benefits, appeared to explain the religious connotations. "The 7 deadly sins were thought up by some EU country and it's about time we got rid of some long obsolete so called 'sins' that left-wing clerics go on about."

With lust and gluttony already numbered, sloth and pride - described by Mr Johnson as "good, Conservative values" are thought to be next, although the introduction of "not taking one for the prime-minister" as a new sin is being considered.

Boris Johnson Politician Prime - Free image on Pixabay

PM dumbs down ministerial code to make it more comprehensible to himself

The Prime Minister has removed the words "honesty, integrity, transparency and accountability" from the ministerial code, it has been revealed.

'Boris just doesn't understand what these words mean', said a source close to the PM. 'His face just goes blank whenever they're mentioned'.

An aide is said to have attempted to help him understand, but was asked by the PM to only use single syllable words if at all possible as his head was starting to hurt.