Boris wins Oscar nomination for best song & dance routine in Westminster Side Story

Popular Prime Minister, Captain Showbiz himself, Boris Johnson, is up for a well-deserved award at this year's glitzy but utterly meaningless ceremony.

Westminster Side Story is a glorious musical psychodrama about a dysfunctional government that thinks all its problems can be sorted out by drinking itself to death.

'It's possibly his finest role so far, said cinema critic Matt French. 'We've seen Boris as a tram driver, a JCB driver, and a man who will draw bananas with children. He's an incredibly versatile actor, as his performance at PMQ's has proved, and he's barely put a foot wrong since his starring role in 'Lying Actually.'

'I don't think anyone would deny him the accolades his performance so richly deserves. Its a resounding testament to the power of bullshit.'

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BBC Bitesize for Schools: Who Runs Our Country into the Ground?

Britain is a monarchy and in the olden days, kings and queens ran Britain into the ground. Nowadays, the monarch gives this job to a court jester sort of person called the prime minister. Running a country well and truly into the ground may seem like tough work, but our PM has been doing it with ease!

Every day, he throws parties to make sure his assistants are always drunk when they make their decisions, and he distracts attention from all the scandals he has created by throwing “red meat” to his Conservative base. People in Britain love days when the prime minister throws them red meat because they sure as hell can't afford to buy it in the shops any longer. Ask your parents about this, when they've finished having a fit about the energy bill.

As if this all of this isn’t enough work for one day, the prime minister also finds time to incite vicious mobs to attack his chief political enemy, the Leader of the Opposition! He does this by repeating baseless rumours gleaned from social media sites used by hard-right political groups, but because he said them in the Commons he cannot be sued for libel. Isn't that clever of him?

This system of government is called “demagoguery”, and it's something Britain leads the world in. You can ask your mummy and daddy to tell you more about politics in Britain. But if they have been reading this along with you then they are probably too busy weeping, right now. Give them a moment to compose themselves.

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Who should replace Boris Johnson as Prime Minister? YOU decide!

As the scandal surrounding Party-gate rumbles on, and a chastened nation awaits the outcome of the Sue Gray inquiry, whose findings we all must pretend we don’t already know, it appears that Boris Johnson’s days of wine and cheese are numbered. We take you through the runners and riders and ask YOU, dear reader, to choose who will next have the privilege of redecorating the Downing Street flat. Just don’t ask where the money comes from.

Should it be…?

Marie Antoinette? Boris kept the cake for himself, but Marie would let us all have a slice! You think this lot are decadent and out of touch with public opinion, just wait till you see the bashes this French aristocrat can throw.

Piers Morgan? A controversial tabloid journalist with a strained relationship with the truth and a willingness to use underhand tactics to get what he wants. Sound familiar? Old big mouth also has a cosy relationship with Rupert Murdoch, which is half the battle to become PM.

The corpse of Mrs Thatcher? Give the people what they want! Re-animate her Frankenstein-style; prop her up and stick sunglasses on her – à la Weekend at Bernie’s; whatever works to turn on the backbenchers.

Noel Edmonds? He really knew how to throw a House Party, did our Noel. Will also please the Covid Recovery faction of the Tory Party with his wacko health views.

Jackie Weaver? She does have the authority, after all. If you don’t like it, it’s into the Zoom waiting room with you.

Nigel Farage? Help the once proud Conservative Party morph into UKIP, as the prophecy foretold. He is inevitable.

Rory Stewart? The centrist’s dreamboat. Walk with Rory all the way to Downing Street. Another Old Etonian as PM – what could go wrong?

Vladimir Putin? A real strongman leader who isn’t afraid of breaking international law. A long-time backer of Brexit. Forget Ukraine, Vlad – get your boots on the ground over here in Uxbridge instead!

Sue Gray? The woman of the moment. Surely there’s no one better to change the culture in Downing Street than the civil servant who sifted through the bins full of empty bottles and used condoms. Already has name recognition and a catchy election slogan: “The wait is over: VOTE SUE GRAY.”

Boris Johnson again? Do the dead ever really die?

Call 1922-1776-1945 and submit your choice to Graham Brady now!!!!!!

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