Only a few weeks into his reign, comes sensational news King Charles III intends to sell off the crown jewels in an effort to make good a debt incurred when Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex, defaulted on a payday loan.
His Majesty will drop the bombshell in an upcoming documentary to be screened this week, in which he tells his longtime friend, smugly irritating wazzock Alan Titchmarsh, the whole sad story.
'The truth is I’m skint, Alan,” says a clearly rattled Charles. 'Every penny I have is needed to pay back the interest on a loan where I went guarantor for Harry. It was only for five thousand pounds to help him and Meghan with flights to come to Britain for my dear Mama's funeral. Harry swore he was good for it; apparently he had some funds coming in from a book royalty, and like a gullible fool I believed him.
'But things have since spiraled out of control after silly boy got cold feet on his publication date and missed the first loan repayment instalment. Seems I'm now liable. They say I owe £7.4 billion pounds, which strikes me as odd as it's only a week overdue.
'Nevertheless, it looks like I'm going to have to sell the purple felt hat with all the diamonds, that snazzy jewel-encrusted gold stick and the ball thing too. The loan company's representative, Big Clive, was most emphatic. "It's eevur thet, yer Majesty, or the Dook gets what's coming to him, the little toerag". I just hope to god the sale raises enough.'
Updated: Sep 4
Prince Harry has finally gone ahead and chucked out his much-revered Nazi outfit
'It didn't feel right having that thing in my wardrobe. Now and again, it would give a Nazi salute and smack Meghan right in the gob', a source close to the prince indicated that he said. 'I simply can't have that thing swinging around in my closet threatening to invade Europe.'
I tried fobbing it off to Oxfam on Windsor High Street and finally gave it away to a homeless man called Ron who lives behind the shoes and elastic bands recycling bin outside the Tesco's local.'
Royal correspondent and thirty-ninth in line to the throne, Czar Nicholas Witchell, has announced that the royal consent has been given for a replacement uniform. This will be an authentic KGB interrogation officer's outfit purchased directly from the Russian Embassy by the Duchy of Cornwall.'