top of page
Search

Government to put innocent people in prison instead



The government announced today that it had solved the prisons overcrowding crisis.


Under the new scheme, all prisoners will be set free and innocent people locked up in their place.


“The turning point came with the recent riots,” said a Home Office spokesman today. “We realised there are more people who deserve to be locked up than deserve to be free. And we just don’t have the capacity.


”But then we thought, why not put the innocent people away instead? It keeps them safe from the murderers and rapists, which is the most important thing, right?


“Think of it as a continuation of a scheme we piloted in the 1980s. Only this time, it won’t just be people with Irish accents.


“Granted, it does mean the free population will consist of nothing but criminals. But for large parts of Liverpool, Manchester and east London, this won’t make an appreciable difference.”


Human rights groups said they were concerned that it was the innocent people being punished. However, a group representing people under 30 said the scheme seemed too good to be true.


”You mean we get to live here, we each have our own room, there’s central heating, we get three meals a day, and the landlord can’t throw us out because he’s decided to sell? Come off it, there must be a catch…”



Plan to reduce prison population by making it legal to nick stuff only wealthy people can afford



An ingenious plan to reduce the number of prisoners incarcerated in British jails has been suggested, whereby it would become perfectly legal to steal goods that only wealthy people own.


A minister explained to Newsbiscuit that it costs in the region of £50K per annum to keep the average scroat in prison, but that money has to come from people who actually pay tax, so it's only the poor who pay for prisons.


“There’s no way we can justify keeping people in prison for stealing from the rich when pensioners have to go without their winter fuel allowance. It isn’t as though Britain benefits from the wealthy buying expensive goods, because they’re all manufactured abroad these days.


"It might be a different matter if the wealthy paid tax and could justify why the state should protect their assets, but until they do, it’s more important we keep prison places available to keep right-wing rioters off the streets.


"The Tories won’t be happy about this, but who cares now they are out of power and unlikely to return in the foreseeable future? Naturally it will remain a crime to steal ZIL-4104s or Trabants and Moscovitches, but we don’t anticipate their owners will report such thefts.


"To tell the truth, if it helps deter wankers from buying Range Rovers, that will be a plus too.”



Criminals paid to work from home, self convict, and incarcerate in own basement




'Due to a gross mismanagement of UK prisons through haemorrhaging taxpayer money into private security firms to cut every corner they can find, prisoners have been escaping through those cut corners.' So says a delayed report titled, Lock 'Em Up And Throw Away The Key.



Worst of all, drugs have been leaking in through those cut corners, which has slightly miffed older generations still misty eyed about the exchange of snout as currency. 'I know everything about our penal system, because I watched Ronnie Barker do every episode of Porridge,' said Arry Slimes, the nation's top commentator on crime and punishment. 'Fletch lives!'



Despite the seepage of prisoners through cut corners, somehow jails have been operating at 101% capacity for over 12 months. Although it seems reasonable and cost effective to delve into the massive pile of thrown away keys, a less attractive solution has been proposed.



Based on the plan to relieve pressure on the NHS by paying relatives to look after the immobile, sick and dying from home as carers, a similar model will be applied to the criminal justice system.



'We really need parents to step up and ground children who've been committing crime,' said the head of the prisons service, from cell 269 on D Wing. 'And we need younger children to step up and ground parents and elderly relatives getting away with serious fraud.



'The key to the whole thing though, is empowering hardened crims to be their own screws at home. Get that locked down, and we can save an inch or two, if you know what I mean? You didn't see me, right. Got any snout?'


bottom of page