Following a series of scandals in which female prison officers seek a little animal pleasure in the confines of a cell with dangerous men, the government is quietly instituting a looks-only policy in its female officer recruitment policy. ‘These women are solid 7s,’ said a Home Office insider. ‘In other words, they are attractive enough to be desired and insecure enough to take what they can get. That has to change.’
In response, the department was tasked with coming up with a policy that would put a stop to the searchable sequence of real life prison porn genre scenes. ‘By making all female officers 10s, we believe they will not look twice at wing-loitering human scum. By the same token, the men will acknowledge that these women are simply out of their league and not risk the humiliation of being repeatedly turned down in front of their murderers and rapists peers.’
The Home Office spokesperson, herself a reasonable 8, said she believed the frustrated prisoners would in turn sublimate their carnal aggression into creative activities, such as pottery, matchstick modelmaking, and Hope Outreach Heal & Intercommunal Blending Meetings, which she said would spring up spontaneously ‘in the space between denial and acknowledgement.’
But the Home Office admits that the so-called ’Ratable 10’ policy may not in itself be sufficient to halt human desire. Sex has been a basic human need for decades and the most reliable way of propagating the species. Although there is an outright ban on it in institutions of forced detainment, it is thought that the sexual element of human nature does not go into full remission. ‘Men when they are locked up still retain their capacity to imaginatively visualize members of the opposite sex. Outlawing this is where we as a new Labour government intend to go next.’
image from pixabay
Prison bosses, still reeling from accusations that they have released a record number of prisoners by mistake, are mistakenly welcoming many of those prisoners back. Upon their release, the habitual cons accidentally commit many of the same crimes that saw them locked up, and are returned to their cells, angry and bewildered at a society that first frees then fails to stop them reoffending.Â
Termed ‘salmon’ by prison officers, many of the cons claim it is not their fault. In one case, HMP Grendon let out a prisoner early because his surname was Freeman. The man, imprisoned for taking a digger to a hole in the wall cash machine, was found the following day inside the smoking write-off a car he’d ‘accidentally’ driven into a Tesco ATM. ‘It just happened,’ claimed 31 year old, Liberty Freeman.
Elsewhere, a man convicted of perjury mistakenly freed from HMP Wandsworth because bitcoin surpassed the $90,000 mark, was rearrested that afternoon in court telling jurors he was lying to them, would always lie in court, and actually enjoyed lying in court. ‘It was a pure mistake, I didn’t mean it,’ he futilely pled later, no one believing him. Cons being returned to their cells include sex offenders and anyone who tweets the word ‘riot’. One ex-prisoner was rearrested for including the word ‘trio’ in a message to his mum about seeing 3 Christmas trees in one pub. ‘It was an anagram clearly coded to incite violence,’ explained Myne Fewrer, spokesmachine for our Lord Chancellor and Secretary of State for Justice.
The government, which has come under praise from supporters for achieving a perfect circle of incompetence, doesn’t know whether its claim that they are making more jail spaces available for future prisoners is reassuring or unnerving. Shabana Mahmood’s office said the government is ‘straining every sinew’ to work on the optics. Meanwhile, Lucy Letby was caught in a Hereford Wetherspoons flicking through an old copy of Neonatal Monthly as the ghost of Peter Sutcliffe roamed Bradford.
Image: falco - Pixabay