Priti Patel deports Sir Mo Farah to Rwanda

A spokesperson for the Home Secretary has confirmed that Olympic Gold medallist Sir Mo Farah is to be deported to Rwanda. 'The Home Secretary is very clear on this - Sir Mo has admitted to entering the UK illegally, has lied about his citizenship and has deprived other UK runners of gold medals. In her opinion he needs to be on the next flight to Rwanda, and sharpish. In the meantime he will be tagged and his trainers will be confiscated, in case he does a runner - boy that man can be quick,' he said.

The Home Secretary is said to be mindful that her days to be mean are likely limited and sees this as the crowning accolade to her career. The spokesperson added, 'of course the gold medals will be awarded to a suitable British sportsman to ensure the UK keeps it's medal tally for the 2012 Olympics. The Home Secretary is said to be leaning to award them to outgoing Prime Minister Boris Johnson who, unlike Sir Mo Farah, has been consistently truthful all through his career. Sorry, consistently untruthful. But at any rate, consistent.'

image from pixabay

Dorries, Patel, and Truss work their magic for Boris

Windrush monument ‘deported to Caribbean for having wrong paperwork’ confirms Patel

A special monument dedicated to the Windrush pioneers who arrived in Britain to start a new life over 50 years ago has been deported to the Caribbean just hours after being formally unveiled at London Waterloo station.

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge joined members of the Windrush generation to mark the landmark occasion but were brushed aside by a team of Counter Terrorism Officers who cuffed the statue before bundling it into the back of an incident response vehicle and driving it off to the airport.

The £1m statue had only been in place for a matter of minutes before being hauled down and packed off to Jamaica ‘because yet again it had the wrong sort of paperwork’ confirmed a spokesperson for the Home Secretary.

The spokesperson also claimed the mountain of suitcases on which the man, woman and child were standing had probably been stolen at some point on their journey and so the family were being deported as a precaution.

Despite coming from Stroud in Gloucestershire - having never even set foot in the Caribbean - the monument now faces an uncertain future when it touches down 4500 miles from its UK home.

‘OK…so we can’t be absolutely sure the suitcases were stolen….but I would bet that at the very least they have been tampered with and things are probably missing.

That’s good enough reason for me to deport anyone’ said Ms. Patel