Government to conduct urgent national inquiry into 'Who stole my f*cking sandwiches?'

Despite a tsunami of scandals and corruption, the government is prioritising an immediate full spectrum national inquiry into 'Who stole my f*cking foie gras sandwiches? I bet it was you, Gove, you pilfering little twat.'

An unusually impassioned Downing Street spokewanker wailed, 'The entire nation demands their right to know what happened and who is to blame. No cost will be too great. No third world war distractions will swerve us from our path. No lessons will be learned. No stone will be left unturned in Michael Gove's faux stone-floored kitchen.'

In an attempt to throw dimwits off the scent, Michael Gove's office issued a statement in a completely innocent high-pitched tone of panic only dogs and Priti Patel could hear: 'This is a total witch hunt. Michael Gove's breath always smells of foie gras.'

Ukraine visas: successful entrants also awarded a degree

It has emerged that the application process for a UK visa for people fleeing the Russian armed forces is more stringent and demanding than some university assignments.

As a result anybody who makes it to the UK will receive an honours degree in Administrative Affairs from John Moores University and a KitKat. On the negative side, they will have to go to Liverpool to collect their diploma. Unsuccessful applicants will still receive the KitKat, proving that Her Majesty’s Government isn’t as tight-fisted as Yvette Cooper has been claiming.

“Let nobody call this government heartless” Priti Patel is alleged to have said, according to sources who watched her calmly observing some captive mice vainly trying to flee her extended claws. “Not only will successful applicants be able to reside here until most of the bombing has stopped, but the Darwinian nature of the process will yield a race of superior administrators. And also some dead people, obvs”.

In other news, Churchill’s grave continues to emit a mysterious whirring sound

Image: Pixabay/mamir_k94

Thermos of tea and an understanding nod not enough for ungrateful Ukrainians

Priti Patel reacted angrily last night after accusations that Britain was not doing enough to help Ukrainian refugees.

‘Honestly, just because their entire country is being razed to the ground by a malignant, remorseless psychopath doesn’t mean they have the right to live a dignified life in a civilised country, or even Britain’

‘We’re doing everything within our power to help these people’, she explained, seemingly without irony, ‘we’ve already sent them six remaindered Millets sleeping bags plus the left over profiteroles from our last Downing Street work meeting, but still they want more.

I even offered some of them the chance for a photo-op with me in my Home Secretary puffa jacket when I was over there but for some reason they were more interested in finding food and shelter for their children and elderly relatives, the ungrateful bastards.

Listen, as the daughter of immigrants I understand entirely the position they are in. Which is why I think the only humane thing to do is let them freeze to death on the steps of a British consulate in the arse end of Poland.’

Despite this many Ukrainians are still planning to make the move to the UK. Asked why she was so keen, Julia, a refugee from Kharkiv explained ‘For me, Britain is the land of opportunity. If Gavin Williamson can earn himself a knighthood surely anyone can make it there.’

Image: Unsplash/Mitchell Orr