- Lockjaw
- Apr 15, 2022
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- Steveb
- Apr 7, 2022
Updated: Apr 24, 2022
Despite a tsunami of scandals and corruption, the government is prioritising an immediate full spectrum national inquiry into 'Who stole my f*cking foie gras sandwiches? I bet it was you, Gove, you pilfering little twat.'
An unusually impassioned Downing Street spokewanker wailed, 'The entire nation demands their right to know what happened and who is to blame. No cost will be too great. No third world war distractions will swerve us from our path. No lessons will be learned. No stone will be left unturned in Michael Gove's faux stone-floored kitchen.'
In an attempt to throw dimwits off the scent, Michael Gove's office issued a statement in a completely innocent high-pitched tone of panic only dogs and Priti Patel could hear: 'This is a total witch hunt. Michael Gove's breath always smells of foie gras.'
It has emerged that the application process for a UK visa for people fleeing the Russian armed forces is more stringent and demanding than some university assignments.
As a result anybody who makes it to the UK will receive an honours degree in Administrative Affairs from John Moores University and a KitKat. On the negative side, they will have to go to Liverpool to collect their diploma. Unsuccessful applicants will still receive the KitKat, proving that Her Majesty’s Government isn’t as tight-fisted as Yvette Cooper has been claiming.
“Let nobody call this government heartless” Priti Patel is alleged to have said, according to sources who watched her calmly observing some captive mice vainly trying to flee her extended claws. “Not only will successful applicants be able to reside here until most of the bombing has stopped, but the Darwinian nature of the process will yield a race of superior administrators. And also some dead people, obvs”.
In other news, Churchill’s grave continues to emit a mysterious whirring sound
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