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Help out in the Great British Turdwatch




'We would like everyone with an hour to spare this weekend to take part in a useful and enjoyable environmental survey called the Great British Turdwatch, said a spokesman for Least Effort, Narrowly Avoiding Prosecution - the industry association for the UK's water companies.


'Just spend 60 minutes taking a walk along a beach or a riverbank near you, or go surfing in the sea, and count the pieces of untreated waste matter that you step in, see floating past you, or swallow.


'Then send your results to us. In the best traditions of turdwatching, you should identify the nature of the excrement you encountered by detailing general impression, size and shape.


'We will collate all your contributions and then keep the results a corporate secret.


'However, we can confidently predict that high performers in the 2024 Turdwatch will be those traditionally turd-rich environments - the lower Thames, Portsmouth, Blackpool and Newquay in Cornwall.


"And don't forget - for every piece of effluent you report we will be adding £10 to your water bill. It's up to you how much of the truth you dare to tell us."

Pundits comment on the crisis at Thames Water



Yes, Thames Water is washed up and in deep water and, indeed, in deep doo-doo. All is not well. The company can’t tap investors for more money and all their funding has drained away. The company has liquidity problems and is likely to go down the drain and sink without trace. The current financial problems are weighing evian the Board, which is simply treading water. Past successes are water under the bridge and nothing can calm the waters. The well has run dry. Investors are likely to take a bath.


The company tested the waters on selling itself to an oil company, but oil and water don’t mix, despite the whole oil on troubled waters thing. The oil barons were unwilling to splash the cash and poured cold water on draining the swamp. The idea is now dead in the water.


The first rescue plan has been blown out of the water. The second rescue plan is ‘as weak as water’. The third rescue plan merely muddies the water. The fourth rescue plan is unimaginative – as dull as ditchwater. The fifth rescue plan fell between two stools. Actually, more than two. The sixth rescue plan threw the baby out with the bath water, and had to be watered down.


Politicians think the company is a right shower and have been quick to establish clear blue water between themselves and the crisis. Thames Water are intrigued at the idea that water could be both clear and blue, being more used to murky waters.




Zero hours contracts slammed by The Wombles


It's understood The Wombles have been placed on zero hours contracts and are no longer free to womble underground or overground. The news comes following Wimbledon's recent move to outsource its recycling and refuse collection arrangements.


Great Uncle Bulgaria told reporters: 'It's a bad do and no mistake. New bosses are obsessed with cost-cutting measures. They will only let us do a bare minimum that allows them to keep their licence but pay out huge dividends to shareholders.


'Now we just sit around the burrow waiting for the phone to ring, say maybe if cowboy builders fly-tip a load of rubble, old kitchen units or a knackered fridge-freezer on the common.


One high profile Womble who wished not to be identified commented: 'It's typical of these Tories. Flog everything off to their spiv pals in The City to make a killing. It's the workers and public left to pick up the pieces.


'The new pay scale they've switched us to isn't enough to make ends meet. Although, luckily with our set of skills we just about mange by scavenging in the bins out the back of Sainsbury's and Tesco.'




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