top of page
Search

Pundits comment on the crisis at Thames Water



Yes, Thames Water is washed up and in deep water and, indeed, in deep doo-doo. All is not well. The company can’t tap investors for more money and all their funding has drained away. The company has liquidity problems and is likely to go down the drain and sink without trace. The current financial problems are weighing evian the Board, which is simply treading water. Past successes are water under the bridge and nothing can calm the waters. The well has run dry. Investors are likely to take a bath.


The company tested the waters on selling itself to an oil company, but oil and water don’t mix, despite the whole oil on troubled waters thing. The oil barons were unwilling to splash the cash and poured cold water on draining the swamp. The idea is now dead in the water.


The first rescue plan has been blown out of the water. The second rescue plan is ‘as weak as water’. The third rescue plan merely muddies the water. The fourth rescue plan is unimaginative – as dull as ditchwater. The fifth rescue plan fell between two stools. Actually, more than two. The sixth rescue plan threw the baby out with the bath water, and had to be watered down.


Politicians think the company is a right shower and have been quick to establish clear blue water between themselves and the crisis. Thames Water are intrigued at the idea that water could be both clear and blue, being more used to murky waters.



First published 30 June 2023



If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?















Council transfers all its roads and potholes to a community trust



West Bessen Council has taken the unusual step of transferring all of its roads and potholes to a community trust. The trust will be responsible for the upkeep of the roads, setting speed limits and managing parking restrictions.


A council spokesman said, 'This deal is good for the council and the community. We transferred our libraries to a community trust years ago, and they are all thriving. We replaced all those expensive librarians with lots of lovely, low-cost volunteers. And the community has done a great job looking after the library buildings. They are always ready with the plastic sheeting when heavy rain is forecast.


'We transferred responsibility for our sports centres to a community trust too. Now you can play badminton and short mat bowls all night if you want to. The community has found a way to extend the opening hours so that people can exercise around the clock. I believe they do this by leaving the key under the mat. There have been some concerns about people exercising alone, but these days everyone has a mobile, so it's not really a problem any more.


'So we have high hopes for our new way of managing roads. The road maintenance bills were very high and we think that volunteer road menders will be able to keep costs to a minimum. The council is selling its Stop-Go boards to the trust, so they will be fully equipped.


'We will finally be able to pass all those complaints about potholes, road markings and debris to someone else. And the trust will have to adjudicate on all those ghastly local parking issues. I can't tell you how pleased we are to get shot of all that. Actually, I can tell you. I'm telling you now. We are very pleased to get shot of all that. And you can quote me.'


Image: Newsbiscuit Library

£175,000 donations from Private Healthcare 'normal' says Streeting


Health Secretary Wes Streeting has declared around £175,000 in donations from Private Healthcare suppliers who, co-incidentally, are in line for multi-million-pound contracts from the NHS.  A spokesman for Streeting confirmed the donations were 'normal, reasonable and probably used to buy stuff', adding, 'and there's no way any British politician would be influenced when awarding contracts by any donations'.  A straw poll of Labour cabinet ministers seemed to confirm this point of view, insisting that there was 'nothing to see here'.


Some politicians routinely accept donations, sometimes in the form of hospitality, sometimes in plain brown envelopes. 'Ornate envelopes aren't value for money,' suggested the spokesman, adding, 'and are probably more traceable.'


No envelopes, plain brown or ornate, appear to have been declared this Parliament, however as Labour are keen to point out it's only been a few weeks.  



bottom of page