Man complains that his operation was treated as a game

Cavity Sam, a cartoon character, says a group of unqualified ‘so-called’ players operated on him for over an hour, and removed several items from his body in a series of unnecessary procedures.

He claims he was diagnosed with twelve ailments. 'I ironically the first was a case of 'Gamer’s Thumb', which they removed. However, this didn’t solve anything so they went on to take out my 'Headphone Headache', a 'Frog' from my throat and several more items working down my body past 'Butterflies in my Stomach' to my 'Cranky Knee'. Nothing seemed to work.

They took it in turns to have a go on me. All the time they were laughing and joking. I don’t believe they were even qualified doctors! They were very clumsy and only used a pair of tweezers which kept touching the sides of my open wounds. Even this didn’t set off any alarms!

'In the end, it turned out the only thing wrong with me was that I needed a new set of batteries for my large red light bulb nose. I didn’t actually ‘need' anything to be removed. The ‘doctor’ with the most money was declared ‘the winner’. I don't think they took my operation seriously at all. That’s the last time I go private!'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Crumbling sewer system danger to fleeing robbers

The utility companies responsible for Britain’s waste water infrastructure have today acknowledged the system can no longer be considered safe and have issued advice to vagabonds escaping capture to hightail it above ground instead.

Recent surveys by hi-viz people with tripods noticed that masonry falling onto their hard hats could possess a danger to villains without hard hats making a quick, albeit foul-smelling, getaway, knocking them unconscious and exacerbating the problem of clogging.

Utility accountants believe the extra manpower involved to unplug chancer stiffs from key intersections could raise domestic bills by two hundred percent over the next decade and twice as much before. Loftier economists predict the irretrievable loss of stolen valuables from such incidents would have a devastating effect on the UK’s post-Brexit deregulated economy.

Defective structural integrity within a main sewer recently forced the closure of London’s trendiest gin bar: a hollowed-out fatberg below Covent Garden, called ‘Rubber Johnny’s’.

The bar’s owner, who had spent three years carving out the interior of a solid block of fat the size of a single-decker bus, was reportedly devastated as he’d suffered four near-death asphyxiations, endured a Heimlich manoeuvre to remove a disposable nappy from his windpipe, and lost valuable custom.

Although sightings are yet to be confirmed visually; workers with university degrees spreading blueprints out on a table believe rats the size of furry crocodiles, and crocodiles the size of four-legged whales, are the main perpetrators of brickwork damage. To a lesser extent; decades of underfunding leading a failure to maintain routine wear and tear.

The government has promised substantial nodding to claims for financial support, but believe the monumental task of renovation of public sewers remains the remit of water companies. Comment from the water companies was asked, but none received, as they are currently enjoying their Christmas parties in Las Vegas.

Photo by Martin Brechtl on Unsplash

South West Trains accidentally runs train on time

Commuters were left aghast after South West Trains accidentally ran a train on time.

Tara Taylor said 'What will I complain about to my colleagues now? More importantly, what's my excuse for being an hour late to the office? Thanks for nothing.'

A spokesman said 'We apologise for the correct running of that service. Normally we would arbitrarily cancel any train that looked like it might run on time. Maybe change its platform last minute so we can watch people scurry about like the worthless ants - the scum - that we believe them to be.'

'The best part is that private train companies rake more in government subsidies than it would cost to run a nationalised network. But as any Tory shareholder will tell you, the private sector does everything better. And that includes shitting all over the travelling public.'