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Palestine Action Man to be removed from shelves

This summer's hit new toy, Palestine Action Man, is being removed from sale across the UK following a Home Office ban.


The plastic figure was modelled on an Oxbridge arts graduate with a trust fund, called Tristan, and came with accessories such as:


- ornamental keffiyeh and pretentious nom de guerre (Abu Saladin)

- wire cutters, for breaking into air force bases to spray paint on planes (Black September would have blown them up)

- opposable thumbs, for posting anti-Israel tweets with rat emojis

- eagle-eyes, for reading articles by leading left wing journalist Owen Jones


Also banned is Palestine Action Woman, a stockbroker's daughter figure from Chalfont St Giles called Poppy, who the toymakers designed to stand outside the BBC in London every day dressed in combat fatigues and banging a drum.


"There'll be no Palestine Action Man and Palestine Action Woman dolls on our shelves," said the owner of a toyshop in Hampstead.


"That's because the ones we had in stock were snapped up immediately by all the terribly earnest Guardian-reading parents who live around here."



Harry Potter and the Trans Character who meets with an Unnecessarily Grizzly Death


A whooping JK Rowling was allegedly seen orchestrating an angry mob with pitchforks and torches, searching for trans people to 'ask legitimate questions'. That came after a legal ruling on representation on public sector boards was celebrated by all the wrong people.


Rowling and Graham Linehan are said to be co-writing a buddy comedy where all the trans characters are either evil killers or suffer gruesome torture and recant their trans-ness before dying horribly - or both. Both Rowling and Linehan cited William Shakespeare as a writer who would never use characters who cross dress or change gender.


One anti-trans activist proposed trial-by-toilet for trans people. '100% of trans people either want to commit or have committed or are committing right now, sex crimes in public toilets. Now that is not true, but it might be, which is close enough. Why are you so in favour of sex crimes in public toilets?'


'We must put trans people on trial, by dunking them into a public toilet. If they drown, then they're innocent, but if they survive, then we can legally put them to death on JK Rowling's birthday.'


Another interrupted, frothing at the mouth. 'I blame Les Dawson and maybe Mrs Doubtfire. Is hunting with dogs still banned? Typical lefties! We'll just have to resort to some good old fashioned, common sense, mob justice – maybe throw in a cheeky little lynching here and there for variety. I just can't wait to smash what I don't understand.'



Image credit: Stable Diffusion

Just Stop Oil explains reasons for disbanding



Controversial campaign group Just Stop Oil today explained the reasons for its unexpected decision to disband.


“We’ve been incredibly successful in drawing attention to ourse… I mean, the issues,” said acting chairperson Barnaby de Montfort. “But we now feel our work is done, everyone’s accepted we were right and every government’s adopted our policies.


“It’s definitely not because mummy and daddy say they won’t support me any more unless I get a job.”


“Look, we supported your decision to drop out of Sussex half way through your sociology degree,” said his father Rupert. “Though I suspect it wasn’t really to save the planet so much as because you realised even sociology demands a little work now and then.


“But enough’s enough. We said we’d give you six months to get yourself sorted out and find a job. It’s not our fault you spent them throwing soup at paintings.”


After some sulking, Barnaby agreed to take a job at Greggs in the high street on condition he could have his old room back and mummy would still make him dinner every night, with sustainably sourced fishfingers at least once a week.


“Oh, and could we nip down to Brighton and pick up the rest of my stuff? There’s quite a lot, we’d better take the Volvo estate. So what if it uses a lot of petrol - why would you bring that up now? I hate you, it’s so unfair!”


The statement was also signed by his co-chair Indigo Rumbelow (and I didn’t even need to make that name up).



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