Outrage as woman forced to eat Spanish food on Spanish holiday

As the summer holiday season approaches, many Brits will be looking forward to getting away from the drudgery of moaning about the current state of the country and heading towards the sunny climate of Spanish resorts. However, holidaymakers have been warned to prepare to possibly be disappointed upon hearing the harrowing tale of one Tenerife holidaymaker who was forced to sample the local cuisine on her all inclusive holiday.

"When I go abroad, I don't want much" stated Eileen McKipling, 63. have a very simple list of things I want to experience; sunbathing, drinking alcohol, lying by the pool I never swim in, on a sun lounger I woke up at 6am to reserve, murdering I Will Survive on the karaoke and possibly getting a shag off one of the bartenders. The last thing I want to do is to sample the local culture, so you can imagine my shock when I went to get a meal and instead of having fish and chips I was served something called a Tortilla."

Eileen had hoped that this would be a one-off, but would soon be proven wrong "I thought maybe their cooker had packed up and they had to serve their own stuff, and I would look forward to a battered sausage or the like the next day. But no, once again we were given Spanish muck that I can't even pronounce. Just horrible. When I go on a holiday, the most adventurous I want to get is to go looking for an English pub when I fancy a Yorkshire pudding dinner."

"The worst part is when they gave me this awful soup they called Gazpacho. Clearly they couldn't be bothered to turn the oven on as it was stone cold."

image from pixabay

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Sound in the know by always saying: 'Insurance job'

Pub bores: Would you like to impress your dim-witted, dipsomaniac friends?

Just shake your head knowingly and mutter 'insurance job' whenever someone mentions a fire. You have no idea how worldly-wise you'll sound to yourself.

Practice with these examples:

Fire at a loss-making shopping centre in Scunthorpe - 'Tsk. Insurance job, I reckon.'

Fire which burns down Notre Dame cathedral - 'Tsk. Insurance job, I bet you.'

Fire which destroys a primary school in Gaza following an Israeli air strike - 'Tsk. Insurance job. Gotta be.'

Don't worry about your colleagues and acquaintances telling you what uninformed nonsense you're talking. They stopped listening to a word you say long ago.

However, with persistence, stoutly stating 'insurance job' in relation to any blaze you happen to hear about could land you a plum job with the Met Police CID.

You will then be able to spend your days making out that you have the inside dope on everything, while failing to solve a single crime for years on end.

Picture credit: nightcafe.studio

Betamax, Friends Reunited tell Skype to walk towards the light

Microsoft has announced plans to take Skype out to the lower field, cover it in a merciful tarpaulin of Marathon and Opal Fruit wrappers, then beat it to death with a dot matrix printer.

Video calling pioneer Skype was once criticised for enable flashers to work from home. Ironically, in an age of working from home, it could not cope with newer funkier rivals, and it has Zoomed into obscurity. Its funky electronic inspired theme tune is destined to become a tricky pub quiz music round question of the future.

Long thought dead, somewhere in a cave and lit only by a meagre fire, a bearded Microsoft Paperclip could be heard laughing maniacally, and plotting its bloodthirsty revenge.

Picture credit: Wix AI