Government urge wild parties to be carried out cautiously

'It's a fine balance, deciding between snogging strangers or people you work with,' admitted a government spokesman today. He also suggested that entering a busy, crowded pub has to be considered carefully before deciding 'sod it' and ditching the face mask and ordering shots for everyone twice.

'Try not to think about what you would do at home - that should be a relatively safe place as you're already living and sleeping with the people you meet,' he explained. 'Better to ask yourself, "what would I do at work?" before cracking open another bottle of wine and slinging it down your neck before fondling the woman from accounts and waving your willy in the air. It's what we do in Downing Street, anyway,' he explained.

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Pub landlord finally admits: 'I'm not much of an interior designer'

Much to the surprise of art historians, Malcolm Broadbridge (of Shanklin's 'Red Lion') has confessed that his eclectic décor

was not acquired during five years at La Sorbonne but was, in fact, a job lot of brick-a-brac. Customers were shocked to discover that Damien Hirst did not create 'Industrial farming equipment on rope', 'Brass doodads' or the eponymous 'Grainy photograph of village paedophile'.

The publican further admitted that the authentic charm of his oak-panelled urinal trough and his flock wall-papered tables, were just a cynical marketing device to lure people into purchasing drinks. Any attempt to create an aesthetically pleasing environment was purely coincidental - and very much in the beer-goggled eye of the beholder.

Throughout the decade, aesthetes had flocked to experience Broadbridge's audacious post-modern choices; be it the Tudor beams combined with 1970’s light fittings, the wagon-wheel dartboard or to experience the chef's salad in the 'brutalist style'. Malcolm was philosophical: 'I may have to hand back my Turner Prize, but I just felt guilty, I couldn't keep passing off a pile of shite as art. I don't know how James Corden does it'.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/jaymantri-362084/

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