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2026 World Cup to have new exciting USA First Format


The tournament will be the first ever to feature 48 teams for the simple reason of extorting money from fans. It will be a very simple set up involving less than 1,000 games, starting with 12 groups of four. The top two teams in each group, plus the seven of best third-placed teams and the USA, will advance to the round of 32.


Iran have qualified for the 'extra bombing' round.


10 weeks later, after the 72 group stage matches are over we go to the knockout stage! It is only one match per day due to all the adverts. If any of the host teams lose in the first knock out stage then they will be given a 'mulligan' and automatically progress, as is tradition.


If a host team is knocked out during the second knock out stage, they will be eligible for Trumps Bonus 'Fight Fight Fight Again!' pass and replace a shithole country that didn’t deserve to even be there.


Due to long established FIFA rules, the winner of the FIFA Peace Prize, whoever that may be, can decide who progresses if a host nation loses by only one goal.


Instead of penalties the three host leaders will vote for the 'best' team to progress. As the USA is hosting the most matches, their vote is worth 3 and Mexico and Canada just 1 each.


There will be a break in early September, so matches don’t clash with the US Tennis open.


Any home team, apart from Mexico and Canada, has an 'Extra Life' which allows a rematch. During the tournament, passions will run high and therefore the Board of Peace will oversee the refereeing and all VAR decisions to ensure absolute FIFA quality fairness. If a team is doing particularly well, then they will be randomly chosen to be investigated by ICE, who will deport any top scorers.


The final will obviously have a guest referee, this year it could be Steve Witkoff, Jared Kushner or Kid Rock!


The prolonged format may mean the expected USA vs Qatar final being held at the end of October. Coincidentally just before the US Midterm elections. Which is just a lovely coincidence. How delightful.


President Trump is already looking after the trophy so that should keep the awards ceremony simple. Let’s play ball!


Image: Wix AI

International tightrope walking competition opens in Qatar




Competitors are gathering in the Middle East to walk a tightrope between enjoying themselves and being condemned to the death penalty. The festival of daring, bravery and skill involves very carefully putting one foot in front of the other, as even the slightest step out of line could prove fatal.


The Qatari authorities have explained that even white, hetrosexual, teetotal, male entrants who don’t really care about human rights will have to tread very carefully along the high wire throughout the competition. All other contestants will have the added complication of tightrope walking on eggshells, and absolutely no safety net will be provided.


Overall, it is hoped that the world’s television viewers will be hugely entertained by the event, and will marvel at the spectacle of the death-defying acts. Apart from the families of the exploited migrant construction workers whose efforts to set up the tournament in Qatar were sadly less than death-defying.




First published 16 Nov 2022


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