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Waiting list to see people looking at queue closed

Writer: apepper
apepper
Sep 21



The queue to pay respects to the Queen became such a spectacle that it attracted people from all over the country. Ron Jenkins has travelled from Clacton and is typical of the visitors;


"We'll never see a queue like this again in our lifetime, so I felt I had to come and see it. Yes, I had to wait 5 hours to catch a glimpse of the queue down the Mall and across Westminster Bridge, but it was worth the wait."


The queue to see the queue is believed to be the second longest queue in recent history. Jeff Hamilton travelled from New Zealand to see it.


"To be honest, the wait to see the queue was really long, especially after 25 hours on a plane, but then I realised that the queue to see the queue was attracting fewer people, so I could see that queue in a couple of hours. Ooh look; there are people waiting to see me queuing."


While the original queue has now closed, the queue to see the queue to see the queue remains open, and it is thought that a UK-wide chain reaction effect will see the final queue in the sequence forming in John O'Groats in 2038.


Hat-tip Sir Lupus




First published 21 Sep 2022


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Queen’s funeral “to showcase her abiding veneration of Nora Batty”

Writer: Filthy Rich
Filthy Rich
Sep 19



Leaving detailed plans covering every aspect of her funeral, the Queen has bequeathed her delighted subjects one last surprise by commanding it comprise an elegiac homage to classic sitcom ‘Last of the Summer Wine’. The last monarch ever to sit on a horse sideways will also become the first to have their coffin laboriously shoved up the steps of Westminster Abbey sticking out of a rusty wheelbarrow at an angle described reverentially by David Dimbleby as ‘jaunty’.


Breaking with centuries of royal convention, the crown which traditionally adorns the royal casket has been ditched in favour of a pair of wrinkled stockings, which will end up being inexplicably donned by one of the aged/inebriated/incontinent pallbearers after a laboured ‘wardrobe malfunction’ skit involving oversized tweed trousers, bale string, and a RADA-trained ferret called Mr Pickles.


Watched by millions worldwide, the solemn service will close with the ceremonial skidding of the bathtub containing Her Majesty’s mortal remains into the royal vault beneath Windsor Castle, followed by a lovely spread of Mr Kipling mini Battenbergs and Camp coffee for the dozens of heads of state in bewildered attendance.


‘It shouldn’t really be a surprise,’ said a Palace spokesperson, carrying a bucket of ball bearings into St George’s Chapel. ‘As a lady of a certain generation, the Queen didn’t really take to any comedies written after 1978. We’re just glad we managed to talk her out of an Alf Garnet/Love Thy Neighbour interval double-act- let’s face it, the Duke of Edinburgh’s Black and White Minstrel memorial extravaganza remains pretty 'wake-up-clammy-in-the-dark-watches' unbeatable.’




First published 19 Sep 2022


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Redundant Clarence House staff to be buried alongside Queen

Writer: Sir Lupus
Sir Lupus
Sep 15


It has been confirmed that staff being made redundant due to the closure of Clarence House, the residence of the former Prince of Wales aka King Charles III, will be slaughtered humanely and buried alongside the Queen. The surplus equerries and estates technicians will be sent to serve in the afterlife, together with 96 corgis and Donkey Derby the prize-winning racehorse.


It was initially thought that they could be re-employed by the new Prince of Wales, but William has elected to move with the times and contract the running of the mansion out to Sodexo.

In view of their service to Wales, such as it was, the Welsh Government has offered to take the condemned in as refugees. However, apparently all eligible staff would prefer to die than leave central London for somewhere beyond the M25 where you can't guarantee a 24-hour Pret within walking distance.

image from pixabay



First published 15 Sep 2022


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