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Nation breathes a collective sigh of relief as Colour Trooped without a hitch


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A tense nation held its breath today as it waited to see whether the Colour would be successfully Trooped. But in the event it could have saved itself the worry and angst as the ceremony went ahead almost without a hitch.


Lord Chief Colonel Major General Lieutenant Brigadier Captain Colour Sergeant, Sir Rafe Tatty-Pubes, looking resplendent in his three yards of gold braid and four hundred service medals commented.


"It was a textbook trooping and carried out with aplomb and full ceremony. No one in the Royal Family put so much as a foot wrong. Not even Prince Andrew who very thoughtfully had the decency to contract Covid to help things along and remove any awkward embarrassment over a Buckingham Palace balcony appearance.


'People pour scorn on our rich tradition of pointlessly preposterous pageantry, but I say it's times like this that our Royals earn their corn. Faultless and perfect. Oh, excuse me, I've just soiled my underpants by discharging some seminal fluid.'


Meanwhile, Barry Shite, a costermonger from Billericay who's been camping out on The Mall since January 4th to ensure he got a good view said, 'I ain't got a facking pot to facking piss in. But I facking love our fantastic Queen, right? And my year ain't worth a fackin brass tack until I know that colour has been trooped. Sets the second half of the year up proper perfect, it does.'



First published 3 June 2022



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Everything is a bit like Jesus, confirms parish priest


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Your local parish priest reckons absolutely everything happening in the world is rich pickings for an analogy to Jesus and His work, it has been confirmed.


In recent weeks, Father Michael O’Brien, 53, has used the war in Ukraine, the Final of the Apprentice, the World Snooker Championships and two magpies sat on a tree in his garden as fodder for his sermons, with stretched metaphors to God leaving his congregation looking increasingly perplexed.


‘I watched the Man City v Liverpool game last Sunday with anticipation and foreboding’ noted O’Brien, in his latest missive from the pulpit. ‘Like our Lord, both teams were striving to ‘be their best’, but doubting themselves. Pep Guardiola was no doubt swearing at the players at half time and overturning the tables in his ‘temple just like Jesus did when he was a young man. And wasn’t it just like our Saviour’s attempt to reach out to his disciples when the Liverpool goalie literally reached out to tip that shot over the bar?’


O’Brien has already penned the next few weeks’ sermons for his congregation, finding God somewhere in the council elections, the Queen’s jubilee and the first round of Britain’s Got Talent.


‘Even this crappy little satirical piece you’ve written mocking my sermons is a bit like Jesus, isn’t it?’, said O’Brien earnestly. ‘The second flabby paragraph with no real gags is like Jesus’s 40 days in the wilderness. And then there’s a sort of joke and hidden message here where I’m mocking myself - not unlike Jesus mocking himself in the garden of Gethsemane’. ‘


Will there be a fantastic end - similar to the second coming of Jesus - with a pithy killer punchline?’, said O Brien. ‘Ah, sadly, it seems not’.




First published 16 April 2022



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Queen's covid response indicates the virus can jump species again


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Her Majesty the Queen has said that her recent brush with covid left her tired, irritable and short on humour. 'It was like Philip had returned,' she said. Covid researchers have shown alarm at the Queen exhibiting symptoms as previously the virus transmission chain only included bats, humans, cats and dogs. 'If lizards can catch it, then we'll probably never stop it,' said one researcher today.


'We were initially concerned when Prime Minister Boris Johnson contracted the disease in the early days of the pandemic, we didn't think it could be passed to beings that were almost but not quite human forms, but then we thought "OK, it's only Boris, might do the country some good",' admitted a covid researcher today. 'So we weren't concerned at all in the end,' he added.


It is currently unknown if Jacob Rees-Mogg is capable of getting the disease. Now that blood temperature doesn't appear to be a barrier there is only the small issues of not requiring oxygen to function and the inability to cast a reflection to consider. 'To date, every person that we know to have caught covid has been known to cast a shadow, so perhaps he's going to be ok, unfortunately,' said a researcher.




First published 12 April 2022



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