"Kemi is saying I lied to the public in the run-up to the Budget, softening them up for tax rises they didn't really need to pay," whimpered Rachel Reeves, wiping a customary tear from her eye.
"But my lie was well within the limits for day-to-day deception that this government has set itself," continued Honest Rach.
"For example, I said on my CV that I had worked for 10 years as an economist at the Halifax, when I actually worked in their complaints department.
"This year's lie wasn't half as false as that one so, in real terms, I'm getting more honest.
"My golden rule is not to mislead the public any more than is strictly necessary to ensure our political survival.
"I had to persuade you I had to raise taxes because I needed to get the money in to remove the child benefit cap. I didn't tell you the last bit.
"But I had to remove the cap to mollify all those left-wing backbenchers who wanted me and Keir out. f that had happened, you'd have had some quasi-communist like John McDonnell as chancellor, and Diane Abbott as PM.
"Is that what you want? Because that's what you'll be getting unless you're prepared to swallow one or two tiny little fibs from me."
