The Bank of England has released the shock news that chancellor of the exchequer Rachel Reeves accidentally turned all the 310 tons of gold in its vaults into lead, damp leaves and slime.
"We should never have let her near it," sobbed a spokes-cashier for the Bank. "She said she just wanted to pop her head round the door and see how much of Britain's wealth was left for the government to squander. I swear she was down there for less than two minutes.
"But when we went to lock up, we found that every one our 400,000 bars of gold had disappeared and been replaced with total dross."
"We knew all along that Rachel Reeves has got this weird reverse Midas touch," the spokes-cheque continued, kicking itself angrily in the shins. "After all, her two budgets had managed to freeze UK economic growth, collapse the value of government bonds and send youth unemployment soaring. We were just waiting for her next disaster to happen."
"I am confident that Rachel will recoup a great deal of the riches she unfortunately destroyed by selling off the lead for pencils and the leaves and slime for mulch," said Sir Keir Starmer, "and her job as chancellor is totally safe for as long as I'm Prime Minister.
"Oh, is that the removals van?"
