Government bans jigsaws

Journalists have noticed a new measure that didn’t make it into Rachel Reeve’s Spring Statement speech today.  In the small print of the accompanying documents, that only the accountants and tax lawyers read, there is a dramatic new initiative to ban jigsaws.

Jigsaws – basically cut up pictures that you have to reassemble – will be banned for everyone between 16 and state pension age, which currently 66 - at least for a few more weeks. The government describes the new ban as a bold move to address economic inactivity. In other words, too many people of working age are spending too much time trying to complete 5,000 piece jigsaws of baked beans, or kittens, or thatched cottages.

‘The economic impact is huge,’ said a spokesman.  ‘The time wasted on doing jigsaws is the equivalent to 2.355% of GDP.’  Everyone listening mentally added ‘FACT’ to the end of that sentence.  ‘Banning the sale of new and used jigsaws to people of working age is estimated to increase the numbers in employment by 2.344%, which would be welcome news to Mondeo Man, the Just-About-Managing group and hard-working Britons.

‘Exemptions will be allowed for children’s jigsaws that do not exceed 100 pieces, and for tourist jigsaws.  A tourist jigsaw must have a picture of an important British figure (yes to Churchill, Starmer, Thatcher, Robert Peel, Isaac Newton, no to Noel Gallagher, Jimmy Saville, Mr Blobby, Fred West, Yaxley-Lennon), or a British Landmark (yes to Stonehenge, the Cenotaph, Heathrow, Felixstowe Docks, the M25, no to the Bibby Stockholm, the encampment at Greenham Common, the felled Sycamore Gap tree, turds on the beach).  In addition, a tourist jigsaw must be made from recycled cardboard, have a union flag on the box, and be priced at £49.95 or more.

Charity shops estimate that not being able to sell jigsaws will cost them around 2.322% of turnover, and have asked the government for extra money to fill the gap.

The spokesman concluded by saying that ‘this government will take the tough decisions necessary to get the economy back on its feet and to boost growth.  It’s a long process.  We’re fighting Britain’s corner, and we’re taking it one piece at a time.’

Photo by Ryoji Iwata on Unsplash

Convincing fraudster poses as Prime Minister

A notorious fraudster has posed as the Prime Minister, Keir Starmer, on more than twenty occasions, without being detected.

Shoppers attending the opening of a new PoundBeater store in Formby, Lancs., expressed their approval as the doppelgänger PM cut the ribbon and made an impromptu trolley dash through the aisles. 'There's someone who understands the cost of living crisis,' said one spectator, as Keir emerged triumphantly with an armful of slightly bent, but reduced, Curlywurly bars. After the opening, he popped into a local hairdresser's to have his hair re-oiled and lacquered back into position. 'Doris asked him if he wanted a shampoo, but he said he never used it,' said one awestruck OAP. 'He looked just like he does on telly.'

The lookey-likey also went to the darts at the Ally Pally, dressed as a minion. 'We thought,' said a security guard, 'that the PM was making a political statement about Ukraine or something, You know, blue and yellow. He was certainly having a good time, and he was packing away the lagers. When Luke Littler won, he went absolutely ape. That's when we started wondering if the pressures of the job were getting to him.'

The double is also thought to have attended is a recent Cabinet Meeting, after shutting the PM in a cupboard. 'I thought it was a bit off,' said Rachel Reeves. 'We were telling him to make a statement about Maduro and Trump, but he said no to that. We asked him if the kidnapping was legal under international law, but he just started talking about Arsenal's recent poor form. When we asked if we could beat Reform in the May elections, he said 'probably not'. So, to be honest, it was all very convincing and the imposter did nothing to give himself away.'

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

NewsBiscuit circus acts: Rachel Reeves