Clacton residents furious they haven’t had a riot yet

Residents of Clacton who voted for an MP who extolled the virtues of taking their country back are expressing dismay that nobody seems to be inviting the EDL to trash Clacton and tear down their garden walls so they can throw bricks at Clacton cops.

“You can’t trust a word a bleedin’ politician says” Mavis Smallbotham of the Centre for Racist Studies told Newsbiscuit. “They come round ‘ere asking for our votes and then you never see ‘em again. They’re off encouraging people to riot somewhere else. It’s a disgrace, but do you think I can get GB News interested in it? It’s ridiculous how we can take anything back to a shop if it ain’t fit for purpose, but will they let you take a c**t back to get it changed?

The MP for Clacton was unavailable for comment, but if we can smuggle a reporter into a BBC Question Time audience, we hope to raise Ms Smallbotham’s concerns with him.

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Male violence only answer to male violence, say rioters

Men throwing bricks have clarified their position on who is allowed to kill women, how smashing high street windows makes girls safer, and what kind of murder qualifies as riot-worthy.

"Three girls knifed by a dark-skinned young man that I've seen rumours on the internet about = brick a mosque. Or a copper. They're much the same thing" explained Barry A. Clava, a spontaneously concerned member of the public. "Whereas three women shot with a crossbow by a young white man = nothing to see here. He'd probably been dumped by his girlfriend, that can make you mad, I can tell you. White women murdered by white policemen? Hmmm, that's a tricky one."

The rioters' policy analyst division, speaking between mouthfuls of Stella, suggested that ending boat-based immigration would prevent young men brought up in the UK from attacking women and girls, and starting the football season would prevent young men from rioting over criminal justice issues when there were the bastards from the neighbouring club to deal with first. 

Meanwhile, riots have also erupted in Hartlepool over rumours that a monkey was involved - but it turned out that this was only Nigel Farage, as usual.

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Farage fury at Reform candidate's lack of racist social media posts

A Reform UK spokesman adjusted his police mandated ankle tag before bellowing 'Our party has a rich history of racism. As Nigel said, most people are racists, so why not cut out the middle man and vote for us.'

'Disappointingly, some Reform candidates have only been publicly spewing hate in the dim and distant past - as far back in archaeological time as 2022 in some cases. Saying Hitler had some good ideas is on brand for us, but that post needs to have been made within the last year, otherwise you're basically part of the woke agenda destroying Britain. Why do you hate Britain so much eh?'

Asked about Rishi Sunak's hasty D-Day retreat, the spokesman spat contemptuously 'Here at Reform UK, we believe that fascism is a core British Value. We venerate all those soldiers that gave their lives on D-Day, defending fascism.'

Image: Newsbiscuit