More attacks by immigrants needed, say Reform

Reform politicians are growing 'increasingly concerned' about the low level of violence perpetrated by immigrants.

'Is it too much to ask?' a spokesman said. 'All we want is a couple of rapes and maybe a terror attack once a fortnight. Just enough to keep the membership growing. You can't expect people to turn out every weekend, shouting at hotels, if there haven't been any crimes committed'.

Nigel Farage is understood to be 'baffled' by the low crime figures, given the number of 'men of fighting age' he has pointed at over the years. 'What's wrong with them?' the spokesman added. 'It's almost as if they aren't terrorists after all'.

In other news, the latest violent incident appears to have been carried out by British men, causing racists to mutter 'oh, for f*ck's sake' under their breath.

Image: Wix AI

Reform Party to declare racists as an oppressed minority

The Reform Party is to take action to level the playing field for racists, addressing the perception that there is something wrong with them.

A spokesman, who clearly had something to get off his chest, gave us the following statement:

‘Racists are an oppressed minority, who should be protected from discrimination, ridicule and sneering. Other minorities are protected by law, and racists should be protected too.

‘We get shouted at in the street and when we go marching. Non-racists gang up on us, oppressing us with their massive counter-demonstrations. It’s cultural genocide. We should have freedom of association, but we are criticised for being pally with US racists. It’s perfectly normal to like someone’s posts, to buy their merch, to repeat their favourite slogans, and to amplify their rhetoric. Where’s the harm in that?

‘Racism is just normal behaviour. We all have prejudices. We have unconscious prejudices that we can’t do anything about. We all discriminate – I like him, I like her, but I don’t like them/they, for example. And we all feel antagonism – waiting for Virgin Media to pick up the phone, call centre operators that you can’t understand, the person who takes the last steak bake just before you get to the counter. And it’s not racist to paint red crosses on mini-roundabouts. We love the Red Cross. And their flag. And the England flag. And flags up lamp posts. All very normal. You shouldn’t get picked on for being normal. Being normal should be a protected characteristic.

‘So we are organising a Racist Pride march. The logo is different coloured fists, to represent all the many different flavours of racism. Nigel says he can’t come as he might attract the wrong kind of people, but he’s asked local Reform people to help out. We sent our application to march to the Charing Cross police station, and they said, yes, fine, no problem, we’ll sort out Sadiq Khan. Finally, we’re getting some respect.’

Hat tip to deskpilot

Image credit: perchance.org

Lucy's Law to be extended to cover convicted racists

The law brought in to prevent puppies and kittens from being sold by pet shops is to be extended to include convicted racists. 'Puppies and kittens deserve a decent start in life and convicted racists who have pled guilty, been jailed and released on licence should be allowed to have a decent life in the limelight.  Just like a puppy that had no choice about who raised and sold it, racists who incite racial violence, admit their guilt and are jailed under sentencing guidelines should be allowed to sue the police for doing their job and getting a presenter slot on GB News alongside Nigel Farage,' said a spokesman for an organisation supporting Reform, presumably prison reform, today.

Under current legislation a person who submits a plea of guilty to an offence isn't entitled to a jury trial unless they are, or even the chance of their offence being dismissed due to a legal technicality known as admitted guilt.  'We want Lucy's Law to be extended to include humans who commit crimes, then make a guilty plea to be excluded from admitted guilt, like puppies are excluded from pet shops,' said the spokesman.

Lucy Connelly's lawyer broadly applauded the initiative but refused to pick up the turds left in her wake.  'Those Reform supporters can get their own lawyers,' he said, 'I've got enough shit on my hands with this one.'

Image: vlckova_photography - Pixabay

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