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The Reform Party is to take action to level the playing field for racists, addressing the perception that there is something wrong with them.


A spokesman, who clearly had something to get off his chest, gave us the following statement:


‘Racists are an oppressed minority, who should be protected from discrimination, ridicule and sneering. Other minorities are protected by law, and racists should be protected too.


‘We get shouted at in the street and when we go marching. Non-racists gang up on us, oppressing us with their massive counter-demonstrations. It’s cultural genocide. We should have freedom of association, but we are criticised for being pally with US racists. It’s perfectly normal to like someone’s posts, to buy their merch, to repeat their favourite slogans, and to amplify their rhetoric. Where’s the harm in that?


‘Racism is just normal behaviour. We all have prejudices. We have unconscious prejudices that we can’t do anything about. We all discriminate – I like him, I like her, but I don’t like them/they, for example. And we all feel antagonism – waiting for Virgin Media to pick up the phone, call centre operators that you can’t understand, the person who takes the last steak bake just before you get to the counter. And it’s not racist to paint red crosses on mini-roundabouts. We love the Red Cross. And their flag. And the England flag. And flags up lamp posts. All very normal. You shouldn’t get picked on for being normal. Being normal should be a protected characteristic.


‘So we are organising a Racist Pride march. The logo is different coloured fists, to represent all the many different flavours of racism. Nigel says he can’t come as he might attract the wrong kind of people, but he’s asked local Reform people to help out. We sent our application to march to the Charing Cross police station, and they said, yes, fine, no problem, we’ll sort out Sadiq Khan. Finally, we’re getting some respect.’



Hat tip to deskpilot


Image credit: perchance.org

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The law brought in to prevent puppies and kittens from being sold by pet shops is to be extended to include convicted racists. 'Puppies and kittens deserve a decent start in life and convicted racists who have pled guilty, been jailed and released on licence should be allowed to have a decent life in the limelight.  Just like a puppy that had no choice about who raised and sold it, racists who incite racial violence, admit their guilt and are jailed under sentencing guidelines should be allowed to sue the police for doing their job and getting a presenter slot on GB News alongside Nigel Farage,' said a spokesman for an organisation supporting Reform, presumably prison reform, today.


Under current legislation a person who submits a plea of guilty to an offence isn't entitled to a jury trial unless they are, or even the chance of their offence being dismissed due to a legal technicality known as admitted guilt.  'We want Lucy's Law to be extended to include humans who commit crimes, then make a guilty plea to be excluded from admitted guilt, like puppies are excluded from pet shops,' said the spokesman.


Lucy Connelly's lawyer broadly applauded the initiative but refused to pick up the turds left in her wake.  'Those Reform supporters can get their own lawyers,' he said, 'I've got enough shit on my hands with this one.'




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Amidst news that his flagship primetime talk show on TalkTV has now dropped to fewer than 24,000 viewers, talk show host and professional walk-off merchant (Check whether this is a typo - Ed.) Piers Morgan has now taken to calling on unsuspecting members of the public at home in a vain attempt to cause some confrontation and controversy.


Banging on doors in leafy St Albans, Morgan is prepared for any eventuality: carrying a case containing a steak baguette should a vegan answer; a Union Flag in case someone isn't looking forward to the upcoming jubilee; and a crucifix just in case he runs into Meghan Markle.


At his first house, Morgan draws a blank, meeting 89-year old Doris who remembers him from Good Morning Britain - and misses him on that - though she prefers Adil Ray who, 'speaks very nicely for a foreign.' However, at house number two he hits paydirt when the door is opened by Niall, a 36-year old freelance graphic designer, who has been working from home since the pandemic started. After a five minute rant about lazy millennials wanting it all, Morgan walks away puce-faced but satisfied someone has felt his wrath.


Speaking after the encounter, Niall remained upbeat, remarking, 'It was brief but kind of fun. I didn't even get a chance to tell him I'm pescatarian, or my pronouns are they/them, but I think he just needed to blow off some steam after being cooped up in that studio with only the crew to be angry towards. His producer gave me a release form to sign and reminded me to tune in tonight, but I think I'll stick to my repeats of Bake Off.'


Morgan says he plans to continue this one-man crusade to shock until his ratings recover. Failing that, he plans to increase the annoyance he can bring to Britain's doorsteps by becoming a Jehovah's Witness.



First published 21 May 2022



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