Wave of gratitude for Reform

British citizens have today expressed their overwhelming gratitude to the Reform Party.

‘Reform aren’t all bad,’ said Colin Popp, a resident of Clacton.  ‘There’s lots of criticism of Reform and Farage, but we should all give credit where it’s due. We all need to give a massive thank you to Reform for finally shutting up those gobby right-wing Tories.

‘Since Robert Jenrick joined Reform, we haven’t heard a peep from him.  What a relief!  No stupid stunts chasing tube fare dodgers.  No more embarrassing videos from migrant camps in France.  No more WhatsApp cock-ups.  Genius.

‘Same with Suella Braverman.  We had to put up with the big stupid event when she joined Reform.  But since then, a brilliant, perfect silence.  No more tirades about the wokerati.  No more nonsense about sending migrants to Rwanda.  No more diatribes about the failure of multiculturalism.  Listen hard.  Can you hear anything?  No you can’t.  Perfect.

‘You have to admire party discipline in Reform.  The price of your future career is you complete and utter loyalty – and your complete and utter silence.  Well done, Nigel.  We owe you one. 

'There are a few more MPs that we would dearly like to silence – can we send you a list?'

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Churchwardens struggling to keep Reform afloat

As news broke today that a part-time Churchwarden from Potters Bar has funnelled £200,000 into Reform in the last six months, the Churchwarden has spoken about the strain of finding the money to keep Reform UK Ltd afloat out of his non-existent salary.

'Nigel suggested it would be easy,' he said. 'After all, the Reform leader's girlfriend had managed to find nearly £1 million pounds to buy a house near Clacton, despite not having an income of any note.  I do some conveyancing,' he added, 'but I didn't get the Clacton gig.  'That would have made the donations so much easier.'

The Churchwarden is expected to make up some of the shortfall by advising on architectural landscaping, a subject he doesn't have any experience of.  'Apparently some foreign billionaire wants me to act as a consultant as long as I use the fee to help Reform out,' he said.

A Reform spokesman said Dear Leader would be able to help out with fundraising, if needed. 'He could arrange flowers on the occasional Sunday, as long as a photo-op was included.  And, of course, payment.  In crypto.' 

Image credit: perchance.org

A dark defection

-There was widespread shock and disbelief today as Satan announced that he was defecting from Hell.

'I know Hades has been the traditional Opposition to Heaven since time immemorial, but I didn’t really believe that our policies went far enough, and it felt like we were never going to get into power,” said the notorious fallen angel.

“Essentially we were just a rag-tag band of outrageous musicians, defrocked priests and ex-TV presenters,' continued the Dark Lord. 'It didn’t feel like we were a serious outfit actually prepared to take over the running of things. The idea of working with Nigel Farage, the Orange Anti-Christ emulator, and disgraced Tories whose sexual deviancy, dishonesty and venal corruption was too much even for the extreme-right of the Conservative Party to tolerate has been quite a temptation for rather a long time – and, as you know, temptation is my stock-in-trade.'

Polishing his trident, and with a glint in his eye, he added, 'But the opportunity to work with Robert Jenrick - the man who ordered the painting over of cartoon murals at a child asylum unit - lest they should make frightened and lonely children feel comforted - was just too good a chance to miss.'

He sat back in his throne and grimaced with satisfaction. 'So Reform felt like a natural – well, preternatural – move for me. Suella Braverman was just the icing on the cake.'

Image credit: perchance.org