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Labour to blame for record low Full Moon, says Kemi

"Keir Starmer should be utterly ashamed that this month's Strawberry Moon has plummeted to the lowest point for a Full Moon since 2006," said Conservative leader Kemi Badenoch. "This is due to a 'major lunar standstill' which Labour was totally responsible for and did nothing to prevent," continued Ms Badenoch, in between wild howls at the Moon. "We Conservatives pledge that we will take the British Moon back to its rightful place in the heavens," she said, standing on a bare hillside and ranting at the sky.


"It is because of 14 years of Tory rule that the Moon has sunk to this abject level," replied Sir Keir Stargazer, "but under Labour, you will see it steadily return to its former heights. That might actually be the biggest thing we'll have to crow about, come the next election."


"With the Moon this low, there's never been a better opportunity to put doughty British astronauts on its surface," said Reform leader Nigel Fruitcake. "They could virtually jump there.


"Just call 0800-LOONYTUNES and pledge 50 bitcoins to the Reform UK Moonshot Fund to hear me talk and talk about it, c/o my closed down Coutts account."



Gay bar closed for being woke

Following the news that an Indian restaurant in Oxfordshire was closed for smelling like curry, it has also been revealed that a gay bar has been closed for being too woke.


The Common Ground, which has operated in Manchester for over thirty years, has shut its door for the last time following several protests and complaints by a local elderly woman who has just moved into the area and had nothing better to do.


"I was absolutely furious when I spotted it!" stated Doris Crone "well, I didn't technically spot it. Rather one of my friends told me it was only twenty minutes walk away from my house. Naturally as soon as I heard I jumped on my mobility scooter and travelled to have a look and let me tell you I nearly choked on my Werther's Original! It was horrid to look at, lots of people I presume to be homosexuals chatting away like it was normal and eyesore Pride flags hanging outside. Turned my stomach it did."


Over the next few weeks, Doris spent all her free time (that is, most of the day) standing outside the bar making notes about what people were doing "I didn't actually see anyone kissing, but I know they were thinking about it and that's bad enough. Most of my family said I was overreacting and I didn't have to look every day, but I just told them if that lovely Mr Farage can spend his days off watching for boats from Dover then this is the least I can do"


After spending several weeks outside giving the patrons cold stares and occasionally shouting homophobic insults, Doris decided enough was enough and formed a protest. "It was easy enough to arrange, I'm a member of Reform UK, so all I had to do was to get the word out to all of my fellows. Naturally it wasn't long before they responded and the next thing I knew they'd booked a coach and were heading up to put a stop to it."


This marked the first of several protests by Doris's friends, which caused so much negative publicity and kept people away that the bar's owners announced last week it would shut its doors for good.


"I don't understand what her problem was, we weren't doing anything wrong" owner Quentin Smith stated "we're not even really a gay bar, we just have a policy of making everyone feel welcome, especially since the Reform council took over. But we just can't cope with our patrons constantly having abuse thrown at them, so we have to close."


Doris was unrepentant, stating "good riddance to the lot of them, the less people thinking we need to get along the better. I was delighted to hear that awful pub is now going to become a Wetherspoons. Sitting with all your fellow racists getting served by people on zero-hour contracts, there's nothing more British than that!"


image from pixabay


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