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Ukrainian refugees confirm that being bombed is the same as having to wear a mask


Ukrainian refugees have confirmed that having their homes bombed was "pretty much the same" as being obliged to wear a face mask on the bus.


People in the queue to apply for a UK visa confirmed that they only wanted to come to the UK because the mask regulations had recently been lifted. Aleksandr Melkyn who joined the queue two days earlier explained. "I didn't want to go from having bombs rain down on me to being forced to put a mask on simply to stop me infecting other people."


Mr Melkyn had to break off then as he'd finally translated the visa application form from the Welsh and discovered he had to apply in person at the UK embassy in New Zealand.


photo: https://pixabay.com/users/imperioame-6404363/

Ukraine visas: successful entrants also awarded a degree




It has emerged that the application process for a UK visa for people fleeing the Russian armed forces is more stringent and demanding than some university assignments.


As a result anybody who makes it to the UK will receive an honours degree in Administrative Affairs from John Moores University and a KitKat. On the negative side, they will have to go to Liverpool to collect their diploma. Unsuccessful applicants will still receive the KitKat, proving that Her Majesty’s Government isn’t as tight-fisted as Yvette Cooper has been claiming.



“Let nobody call this government heartless” Priti Patel is alleged to have said, according to sources who watched her calmly observing some captive mice vainly trying to flee her extended claws. “Not only will successful applicants be able to reside here until most of the bombing has stopped, but the Darwinian nature of the process will yield a race of superior administrators. And also some dead people, obvs”.



In other news, Churchill’s grave continues to emit a mysterious whirring sound


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