New regulator to monitor performance of regulators

A new government body, provisionally named OfReg, has been created to monitor the performance of regulators. 

'It’s clear that many regulators aren’t doing the job the public has a right to expect of them,' said the Minister for Pointless Bureacracy, Sir Reginald Bufton-Tufton. 'This new body will put a stop to that.

'In line with established best practice in the sector, OfReg will be staffed by people who owe favours to, people we want to shunt out of their existing jobs but can’t fire, and a chap who used to fag for me at Uppingham.'

Asked what he would do if OfReg turns out to be useless too, Sir Reginald said maybe they could set up another regulator to monitor its performance. When it was suggested that the number of regulators was spiralling out of control, he agreed, and said a committee should be set up to look into the problem.

'Or how about this - the water regulator OfWat could monitor the performance of OfReg? They’d have the spare time, since they’re doing sod all about the water companies.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Appointment of independent football regulator referred to VAR

In the midst of wild celebrations by real football fans at finally achieving a long-standing goal of having an independent regulator of the beautiful game, VAR has intervened once more. A slow impatient build-up led to the promise of someone taking hold of the game by the scruff of the neck. The support for that key player then arrived, creating the golden opportunity to make football better for everyone involved. Back of the net, or so everyone thought.

But the Premier League remain unconvinced that the goal should have ever stood in the first place. Determined to suck the hope out of football fans apart from the armchair ones who support the twenty football clubs that the Premier League consider are worth paying television subscriptions for, they are using the Video Assistant Referee (VAR) system to conspire with the government to take as long as possible to actually do anything.

‘VAR is there to address clear and obvious errors’ explained a Premier League spokesman. ‘And the appointment of someone to address the dodgy club owners, the all-consuming avarice and the blatant self-interest at the expense of the game would clearly and obviously be an error as far as we are concerned.’

Meanwhile, BT Sport have brought in former referee Peter Walton to comment. ‘What they are looking at is whether I will ever manage to have an opinion before the outcome is decided’ he explained. ‘Or whether I will wait until a decision is made and then agree with that.’

Image from Pixabay by Marco_Pomella

First published 27 April 2022

www.newsbiscuit.com

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