“This may be last Agincourt Day commemoration” laments retired colonel

Retired Colonel Reginald Bradshaw-Wallace, formerly of the 14th Foot and Mouth Regiment, admitted sadly today that this year might be the last commemoration of the Battle of Agincourt in 1415. 

'I was initially enraged by the suggestion that after a mere 610 years, it might be time to call it a day,” the colonel told other drinkers in the bar of his Golf Club.' Though I must admit that it does get harder to get people interested in it.

'The BBC has refused to televise it ever since… well, as long as the BBC’s existed, to be honest. And the number of people turning out.,, well, actually it’s just been me for the past few decades. Not so much a parade as an old man trying to remember where the post office used to be.

'But that doesn’t diminish my enjoyment of it, not at all. As I remember that day when we marched forward to the strains of Elgar, ready to knock the hun for six, cannon to the left of us, cannon to the right of us, and gentlemen in England now abed shall fight them on the landing grounds, and in the streets…'

At this point, he was gently escorted back to the day room and propped up in his usual easy chair.

Photo by Casper Johansson on Unsplash

UK plans to clone WWII veterans

A leaked memo has revealed that the Government has no intention of letting a generation of photo ops die off. Instead, aging Spitfire pilots will be spliced with immortal jellyfish, to create a neverending supply of plucky Brits, that can annually endorse our grifting politicians.

No.10 had been concerned about the dwindling supply of confused nonagenarias. Without being able to force a dementia sufferer into wearing a beret, how else would Prime Ministers be able to demonstrate they are tough on defense? Without mawkish VE Day celebrations how else could the PM cosplay Winston Churchill?

Now all we need to do is thaw out their wheelchair once a year. Journalists can recycle their headlines about sacrifice, the BBC can rehash footage of street parties and those brave vets can relive their PTSD so Keir Starmer can pretend he cares.

Photo by marc belver colomer on Unsplash

Mandela effect renamed Truss effect

The Mandela effect is a mass misrecollection of events where millions of people vividly remember something which never happened. Like the existence of the word misrecollection. It was first discovered in 1983 when everyone replied 'yeah, probably' to the question 'do you remember when Nelson Mandela pinched Bananarama's bottoms?'

It has since been recognised, however, that all who responded to the survey can't now remember what they had for breakfast. Even when reading this while eating their breakfast. Therefore, a whole new generation of people have been asked, 'do you remember when Liz Truss was Prime Minister?'

Professor Anna High from the Institute of Erm, Er, You Know, Thingy explained, 'Many people have a false memory of professional bonkers lettucehead Liz Truss being Prime Minister of Britain. It's clearly ridiculous, eminently untrue, and could be no more a reality than a flange of Not The Nine O'Clock News sketches.'

Professor Hannah Fry who is real and lovely and thoroughly respected confirmed, 'There was never anything called the Mandela effect. The whole thing is misremembered by lots of people. And misremembered is a real word. Rather, it is something which is technically termed a Trap Street, when the London A to Z inserted non-existent roads into their maps to catch rotters out who were copying their science and claiming it as their own work. People who remember living on those roads don't actually exist themselves.

'So the Mandela effect is in itself a Mandela effect, which is a beautiful event horizon of infinite butterflies within butterflies where science becomes art and quiz question setters don't know where they stand.'

Picture credit: Wix AI