Apologising for things other people did “really easy”, King confirms

As he nears the end of his tour of the Caribbean, which has seen pressure on him regarding Britain’s involvement in the slave trade, King Charles remarked to an aide how easy it is to apologise for things you didn’t do in the first place.

”It’s an absolute piece of piss,” remarked the monarch. “I can’t think why one didn’t do it years ago.'

”I mean, one’s basically saying that someone else - maybe even the person who had one’s job at the time - was a very bad hat who did something ghastly. Clearly implying that one is a much better person than they were. What’s so difficult about that?'

He went on to say he’d be more than happy to apologise for anything else done by one of his predecessors.

'The famines in Ireland and Bengal, the Amritsar massacre, concentration camps during the Boer War… actually, you’d better put one down for Jack the Ripper too, he was probably a relative.'

'But that’s all safely in the past. It doesn’t mean one’s going to apologise for what that idiot Andrew got up to with that bloody New York financier … and neither of course is he.'

Eton to pay reparations to Britain for historic abuses

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Wales seeks reparations from First World

Wales has called on the First World to do more to help it with the growing climate emergency.

'It’s not like we’re causing the problem,' sang a Welsh spokesman in an uplifting baritone. 'There’s bugger all heavy industry in Wales these days. Cars can’t go above 20mph. Beyond stopping the sheep farting, I don’t see what else we can do.'

'Yet clearly we’re bearing the brunt of what I’ve decided to believe is climate change - rather than, say, the weather in Wales always being crap - since that opens the door to truckloads of compensation.'

He went on to say the First World must do more to help the Global South, even those parts of it which aren’t actually in the southern half of the globe.

'It’s galling to think that just a few miles away in England they have electricity and inside toilets, while we suffer like this. Some say the answer is to be more like English, and couples shouldn’t be related until they get married. But I think that’s a slippery slope - before you know it, we’ll have more than five different surnames.'

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