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Wales seeks reparations from First World



Wales has called on the First World to do more to help it with the growing climate emergency.


'It’s not like we’re causing the problem,' sang a Welsh spokesman in an uplifting baritone. 'There’s bugger all heavy industry in Wales these days. Cars can’t go above 20mph. Beyond stopping the sheep farting, I don’t see what else we can do.'


'Yet clearly we’re bearing the brunt of what I’ve decided to believe is climate change - rather than, say, the weather in Wales always being crap - since that opens the door to truckloads of compensation.'


He went on to say the First World must do more to help the Global South, even those parts of it which aren’t actually in the southern half of the globe.


'It’s galling to think that just a few miles away in England they have electricity and inside toilets, while we suffer like this. Some say the answer is to be more like English, and couples shouldn’t be related until they get married. But I think that’s a slippery slope - before you know it, we’ll have more than five different surnames.'


“No win, no fee” lawyers for slavery reparations

Delegates at the recent meeting of the Commonwealth Heads of Government were surprised to find their welcome packs contained advertising for a legal firm offering to help them get reparations for slavery on a “no win, no fee” basis. “Was your country affected by the slave trade?” says the leaflet from Chancer & Shyster. “You may be entitled to compensation!"


"My nation was an economic basket case,” the leaflet quotes one former client, who preferred to remain anonymous, “mostly due to massive corruption which I did nothing about making it impossible for people to earn an honest living.


“I never imagined that something that happened centuries ago would be the answer. But Chancer & Shyster got me such a huge payout, it should hide our economy’s fundamental problems for at least a decade or two. And after that, they say I can probably get more compensation for… I don’t know, climate change or something. It really is the gift that keeps on giving!”


“I didn’t think we’d be eligible for compensation,” says another satisfied customer, “since my country is where many of the slaves were taken from. Those of us who live here now may well be descendants of people who sold their fellow Africans into slavery. But it turns out that doesn’t make any difference - we can still call ourselves victims and get the cash. Thank you Chancer & Shyster!”


A footnote at the bottom of the leaflet says that regretfully, even though Arabs enslaved more Africans than Europeans did, they are unable to help with claims against Arab nations, as people they send there to present these claims tend to return with vital body parts missing.




UK Government seeks reparations for 9th Century Viking slave raids

With reparation requests for historical misdeeds currently occupying a degree of newsprint, the UK Government have taken it upon themselves to seek recompense form Norway, Sweden and Denmark for a variety of Viking slave raids here in the 9th Century.


A Downing Street source told us, “After getting an earful in Samoa, Sir Keir has rightfully decided that now might be the ideal time to get in on the act and chance our arm with our Scandinavian neighbours. If we can claim some cash back for their ancestors pillaging these shores and taking away men, women and children as slaves, we might help Rachel plug that black hole.”


Asked if Foreign Secretary David Lammy might be involved in the negotiations, due to his well-publicised ancestry, they would only say he was currently unavailable having come off the fence with a foot either side and was now in some discomfort.


The Government is understood to have consulted the Archbishop of Canterbury over the dilemma of payment for sins of the Fathers. The Archbishop, Most Rev Justin Welby, only recently discovered one of his ancestors, Sir James Fergusson, was a slave owner, and so has a unique perspective on the matter. “Let’s be honest” he told us, “the Bible has a fairly relaxed attitude to slavery, so if the Big Man is OK with it who are we to question that.” On the subject of reparations he added, “Good heavens, no! A warranted amount of public self-flagellation certainly, and then quietly move on.”




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