Rich people not to be trusted with money

Ludicrously wealthy people are not to be trusted with money, it has emerged.

'But I want to put a solid gold didgeridoo inside a platinum trombone and then put that inside a diamond encrusted French horn, and then not let anyone blow it,' said rich people. 'Look over there. That's a foreign squirrel coming to take your job. You should hate them all for that.'

'You did that last time,' said poor people.

'No I didn't', said rich people. 'Here are some more very clever personages to tell you we never waste money and you should give us some more. Do you see how they pay for themselves?'

'Remember that empire thing where a handful of you owned half the world? Where's all the money you got from that?'

'It was cleverly invested in off-shore truffle tulips. You wouldn't understand. Now stop squandering your tuppence on eating beans to survive while I claim ownership of your feet.'

'You went to a casino last night and gambled it all on a magic goose, didn't you.'

'That's perfectly normal and what I have to do to survive in difficult times. Desperate measures call for desperate solid saffron toilets. You're impressed, aren't you? I can see it in your eyes. Your children think I'm fun and very charming. I want to buy your daughter. Tell her I'm a wealth creator and own all of the rainbows.'

'OK. But only if you promise not to copyright air.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/publicdomainpictures-14/

Trying to self-identify as rich Tory tw&t but I need help

Chancellor sticks knife into 99% of population again because, well, it's just muscle memory reflex

During Wednesday's budget statement Rishi Sunak promised the nation that he had done absolutely everything to ensure absolutely everyone continues to be as fabulously wealthy as him.

In what is being called a masterstroke of fiscal policy which only the Conservative party has the economic understanding to conjure up, the Chancellor of the Exchequer pushed the event horizon boundaries of generosity. Regardless of economic status, every person in the UK is to receive a limp gherkin and two mouldy pickled onions.

Despite wide support and raucous cheers which sounded exactly like guffawing from the Tory back benches, the Institute for Fiscal Responsibility Yet Wholly Inappropriate Facial Expressions murmured something yawn. 'The Chancellor's new budgetary innovations won't be made available for two years, and beyond that each gherkin will be excruciatingly shat out over a period of twenty fiscal quarters.'

On a perkier note, the Office of Budget Actually Even More Crappy Than it Seems said that it quite liked the name Pishi Rishi had come up with for his economy revival plans. 'Most people won't bother considering the appalling numbers and just coo over it being called Eat Out at Food Banks to Help Out.'

Image: Pixabay: stevepb