Booker Prize introduces new “already famous off the telly” category

The Booker Prize, awarded every year to the writer who ticks the most diversity boxes - sorry, the best new work of literary fiction - announced today that it’s introducing a new category for writers who were only published because they already had a TV profile.

The Pre-Existing TV Profile Award, colloquially known as the “already famous off the telly” award, will be spilt into two categories - “slightly tongue in cheek cozy crime fiction” and “children’s books because really how hard can it be?”

Asked why they’re seemingly so dazzled by TV stars, one publisher (who asked to remain anonymous) replied 'Oh, we’re not, not at all. We know that most of it’s shit. But we also know the public will buy it just the same.

'You might as well ask west end producers why they think people off the telly are invariably the best actors. They don’t, they just know people will pay through the nose to see them.'

STOP PRESS: It’s just been announced that the first P-ETPA has been won by “The Boy Who Rushed Out A Ghostwritten Book To Cash In On Having Briefly Been In Hollyoaks.

Photo by Pj Accetturo on Unsplash

Chunk of TV licence to be paid direct to Richard Osman

The BBC has announced financial restructuring to allow its top stars to have more ready access to the cream. This will be realised in professional seat sitter Richard Osman being send swathes of the licence fee on direct debit.

'I'm thrilled,' Osman grinned. 'Before this decision, I had to make up a gameshow that paid celebrities appearance fees to play games the public would play for free. Receiving a large amount of public money to turn a profit and banking the goodwill and business connections of all those celebrities took ages.'

'I'll use the money to fund a gameshow where everyone sits at writing desks and the best ideas of each person will be incorporated into my next book,' Osman smirked. "Soon to be adapted by the BBC of course.'

Osman then left the interview saying he had to visit the bank, he couldn't stop laughing.

Sky wins Easter Week TV contract

The final few days in the life of Jesus Christ and His resurrection will be shown exclusively on Sky this year, it has been announced.

The broadcaster beat off rival bids from Channel 4 and a consortium of the Catholic Church and Amazon Prime, ending over 2000 years of free-to-air coverage of the showcase religious event.

'After our previous unsuccessful forays into religious programming, this really is our second coming', announced Sky's Head of Programmes, Mike McBride.

'We've revamped the traditional Holy Week format, starting a couple of days ago with a reality show called Set Him Free where viewers got to choose whether to release either Jesus or some common robber.

‘Audiences loved Pontius Pilate as host, with regular cutaways to King Herod for his instant reaction on developments', continued McBride.

The traditional quiet period before the Last Supper on Thursday will be replaced with rolling news coverage, and a range of programming tie-ins.

‘The Road to Calvary’ will revisit key moments in Jesus' life, featuring ‘talking head’ insights from Mary Magdalene, Doubting Thomas, and Stephen Mulhern.

‘The Gospel Truth’ will follow four unknown writers, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John as they struggle and complete their first fictional novel, with Richard Osman narrating.

‘Jesus’s death will become a Sky Box Office event, but we’re moving it 9 pm to avoid a clash with the 3pm St Helens v Wigan Rugby League match', explained McBride.

'We're also revamping the rolling away of the tombstone on Easter Sunday. Joseph of Arimathea will now compete with the best of the rest in a series of events to see who will be crowned Jerusalem's Strongest Man'.

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