Royal family | NewsBiscuit 3/16

Harry and Meghan's seventh wedding anniversary

deskpilot
May 29

Harry and Meghan Sussex celebrate their seventh wedding anniversary this month.

Traditionally, the seventh wedding anniversary is celebrated by gifts of wool. Or is it Formica? No, it's definitely wool.

Harry will be giving Meghan wool, so that she can pull it over the eyes of Netflix executives, who've paid out tens of millions of dollars for some of the duffest TV shows ever.

Meghan will be giving Harry wool, so that he can pull it over the eyes of the British who are supposed to always love him, despite the kiss and tell book, the kiss and tell TV shows, the dodgy charity work and the constant moaning about his Dad, his brother, his brother's wife, his Stepmum and so on. Basically the entire royal family. And the British press. And the British legal system.

We expect that Meghan will sell some of the wool on her lifestyle website. So If you'd like to have Meghan's wool pulled over your eyes, then now's your chance.

Are you stupid enough to pay $700 plus postage and package for some wool? Well, are you, punk?

Picture credit: Wix AI

While King travels to Canada, UK declares sneaky Republic

Wrenfoe
May 27

He had only been out of the country for two-days, but King Charles III discovered the UK had changed all the locks when he tried to get back in. What was meant to be a show of support for the new Canadian PM, turned out to be a decree nisi from the throne. When he returned to the UK he found all his belongings - including a set of golf clubs, the Duchy of Cornwall and an Illuminati sticker album – to have been unceremoniously dumped in black bin bags outside Dover.

The UK was unrepentant, claiming the relationship had been dead for years and that they had just been going through the motions, including all that weird stuff with his Mum and Paddington. Historically all the King Charles have been unpopular Monarchs, hence the expression ‘a right proper Charlie, ‘a good-time Charlie’ and ‘you inbred, adulterous, fat-fingered flummox-brained half-witted cream-face loon…Charlie’.

Technically, Canada is now responsible for feeding and watering the unwanted King, but they have problems of their own. This probably means Charles will wander into the nearest wood and been killed by foxes – which has a sort of irony only a swan could enjoy.

Image credit: Wix AI

NewsBiscuit - Best of June 2024

NewsBiscuit
May 26

June 2024

In June 2024, the General Election campaign in the UK was all-consuming and there was no escape. The Tories continued to announce new policies that they could have enacted in office, but hadn’t bothered to. Labour continued to say as little as possible. Migrants arriving in small boats continued to be a big political issue. The government did successfully get rid of one unwanted migrant, however, as the infamous freeloader Julian Assange finally returned to Australia.

The stories we posted in June 2024 seemed to presage the election result. There was a lot of poking fun at the Conservatives, with a side order of incredulity about Reform, and a degree of tolerance for Ed Davey’s cunning stunts.

With hindsight, it seems impossible that the Conservatives could have survived such a satirical onslaught. And so it proved to be. We’re taking all the credit.

Almost all other news was squeezed out. But there is always room for a royal story, and Princess Anne provided some light relief by getting kicked in the head by a horse. We assume it was a horse. She can’t remember. It can’t have been Andrew, because he was getting a pizza. And Sir Ian McKellen engaged in some ill-advised crowd-surfing after falling off the stage at the RSC.

Here is a selection of the top stories from June 2024. Click through to read the stories and the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.

General Election Stories

Tory election campaign wins Turner Prize

Horrified Tories realise how much work is needed to rebuild

TV Election Debates: Five Key Take-Aways

Tories to shake up the NHS with the return of the 'wise woman'

Sir Ed Davey demands “just one more go on the swings” before press conference

Tories betting on what will happen to Tories found guilty of betting on election date

Farage to be Reform candidate for every constituency

Government denies putting sharks in Channel is part of anti-migrant policy

The Not-The-Election Stories

Voters thrilled at prospect of new Sky TV channel 'Watching Paint Dry

Cat hacks bank after realising his name was the password