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Shock as Sue Ellen Ewing makes a bid for the keys to No.10


The fallout from Britain's political car crash is being discussed across the globe, and in the light of a shock new development, nowhere more keenly than around the windswept alfresco dining table at Southfork Ranch in Texas.


In a sensational move, Sue Ellen Ewing has told reporters she will be throwing her 10-gallon Stetson into the ring and is confident of garnering enough support among parliamentary party. "In fact, more than enough" to win her the keys to No.10 in the forthcoming Tory leadership election.


Speaking as she left the weekly Oil Baron's Ball she said: 'Why, shucks. This ole race is already run and won. Put your shirts and Kalvin Kleins on me boys.'


And it just might come to pass, because on hearing the news, online bookmaker Paddy Power, has now installed the 60s something glamour gal as front-runner.


However, some members of the party are arguing as she is not currently an MP she can't enter the race. But the men in suits, who meet Monday, are believed by many to be contemplating a sensational snap rule change that will allow Sue Ellen to run.


Meanwhile Mrs Ewing's estranged husband, the Machiavellian JR, poured cold water on the idea. 'Now just you tell me this, boy. How in the heck can she do that? She's a drunk, a tramp and an unfit mother. That's what my Daddy said 'fore he died.'


On hearing Mr Ewing's remarks, one unnamed backbencher commented: 'Gosh, actually, you know with a CV like that, I'd say she'd fit right in.'

Discovered Lear nonsensical poem actually new Lockdown Rules



Literary scholars were disappointed to find that a hidden trove of nonsensical ramblings was not the work of Edward Lear but were, instead, the fevered cheese dreams of Sajid Javid. The Health Secretary’s plans for easing Lockdown included owls wearing facemasks, administering vaccines with a runcible spoon and one dirty limerick about Michael Gove.

The first of many read… There was a patient from Nantucket Who had recently kicked the bucket Asked if he'd track & traced Said he didn't want to be placed And had told the NHS App to go f$ck it

Members of the public who were hopping for a coherent strategy, were told that facemasks were optional and that Covid only affected those who were Sagittarius. Javid concluded with a veiled reference to his predecessor...

There was a door that had no lock So covered the knob with a sock But we could still see Because of CCTV The knob belonged to Matt Hancock






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