Russia offers to head up foreign interference enquiry

The Russian foreign minister Sergey Lavrov has offered Russian help in the announced enquiry into foreign interference.

'It is a terrible thing if a Sovereign State's business is interfered in,' he said today, 'and it looks like the UK might have UK politicians involved. You won't know who to trust, so it's best to let an independent country run your investigation.  We in Russia will be happy to help, we'll look at all the evidence available about your politicians, in fact we might even look at your copies too, and we'll identify who is most likely to be compromised,' he added.  'We can complete that part of the enquiry by six pm, if that helps,' he noted.

Senior current and former British politicians including Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson have welcomed the enquiry and urged the government to hand over the job to Russia.  'We know the Russians well,' said spokespeople for both politicians.  'Very well, indeed.'

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NATO asks for a war for Christmas

The Head of NATO said he was super excited to get play with Action Men figures, once his wish for WWIII comes true. Singing a rendition of O Come All Ye Soldiers and Jingle Shells, he declared that Europe must go to war with Russia, if he is to meet his appraisal targets.

He said Santa’s Shock and Awe would ensure that Slay Bells Ring, while he encouraged all NATO members to Deck the Halls with Boughs of Ammo. When asked if he thought a winter offensive would be a good idea, he said everyone loves a white Xmas in Moscow—just ask Napoleon.

He was confident that Noel of Duty would work, just like Syria, Libya had been stellar successes. He said "Santa's bound to have a list of whose naught and nice. Who has oil, minerals, what Blackrock needs. All of these will factored in. What I can sure is that everyone will get a bit of Ukraine in their stocking—apart from the Ukrainians. They won't even get to keep a lump of coal."

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Farage to be given advance notice of atrocities

Nigel Farage has demanded that terror organisations give him some notice before major atrocities so he can arrange to be near a camera. The Pound Shop Messiah has had a difficult few months, with an unexplained £900k house and an only-too-well-explained 10 year sentence for his top man in Wales.

‘We can’t have nosy journalists asking Nigel about his colleague working for Russia or a potentially dodgy house deal’, a spokesman explained. ‘So he’s been staying away lately. We’re down to councillors representing Reform on TV now. It was either that or Lee Anderson, and we had to reimburse the Beeb for all the crayons he ate last time’.

Reform strategists would like to keep Nigel Farage out of view until they can find a distraction, so the Bondi Beach attack was particularly poor timing.

‘Of course Nigel made a statement’, the spokesman said. ‘He loves a good terror attack. Bit of a shame that the hero of the hour was called Ahmed – we were hoping for somebody a bit . . . whiter - but still – them bloody Muslims, eh?’

Australian police are investigating all angles, including an unconfirmed rumour that the terrorists might have developed antisemitic feelings at Dulwich College, which reportedly educated a notorious antisemite in the 1970s.

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