top of page
Search

King's speech to feature unprecedented honesty

Panic is rising in Westminster as it has become clear that the forthcoming King's speech will break with tradition and tell it how it is.


The monarch is normally expected to read out a text which has been agreed beforehand by civil servants and the royal staff.


But this year Charles has let it be known that he wants to deliver a more truthful assessment of the state of politics in his Kingdom.


A leaked excerpt from the speech reads:


'I wish to apologise to you, my subjects, that my governments, over the past few years, have fallen short of the standard expected by the British people. You deserve better. The highest positions of power in the country have been occupied by fools, corrupt chancers, narcissists and foreign agents. And those were the sane ones.'


Keir Starmer is reported to be asking for political asylum in China.


And Donald Trump has posted that he wants to Make England Great Again, or 'MEGA'. But not, he emphasised, by regaining its colonies in America. Maybe by invading Ireland, where they mostly speak English, so it would just be like Russia's special military operation in Ukraine.



Image credit: perchance.org

WHO wards off Ukraine invasion with brilliant Covid-based peace plan



All Russian military personnel planning to cross into Ukraine must show proof of a negative PCR test taken no more than 72 hours before entry,” said a WHO spokesman, officiously, on the steps of the organisation’s Geneva headquarters.


“Failure to do so will result in denial of entry, and heavy fines.


“In addition to this, all weapons of war must be thoroughly disinfected with approved brands of alcohol wipes. Friends and relations of Matt Hancock will be on hand at the borders to sell you these at a very reasonable price.


“We are hoping that most members of Russia’s 100,000-strong invasion force will listen to our tedious and dreary regulations, say: ‘Sod it, I didn’t want to go to Ukraine anyway - it’s a stupid place,’ and promptly desert.


“Russian troops must respect social distancing rules and remain at least two metres apart from enemy combatants," continued the official.


"That means no slaughtering using bayonets - which rather takes the fun out of it, doesn’t it, Ivan? Are you sure you want to invade?


“Military personnel will also be forbidden from gathering in groups of more than six for the purposes of ransacking villages, committing gang rapes or getting drunk on the local vodka.


“Unless you’re a high-ranking politician, of course. Then, you can gather with your all cronies in the back garden of a government mansion and throw as many wild parties as you like. Just have a quiet word with the local police chief afterwards. She’ll hush it up for you.”




First published 1 Feb 2022


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

















Living in the Matrix? Or just an international version of Risk?


Conspiracy theorists are starting to doubt their core beliefs that JFK was murdered by the CIA, aliens run Centerparcs and that the Matrix was a kiss and tell story based on reality.


'Hasbro have played a long game,' said a leading conspiracy theorist, noting that the board game Risk actually does tend to go on a bit. 'We're all bit part players in the a global version of Risk, with Russia not noticing that Ukraine swapped the red dice for loaded versions that always end up on a one or two. Trump is, predictably, throwing seventeen dice each throw instead of the usual three when attacking, and he's hidden the Greenland card under the board so nobody can see it until he decides to have a go,' he added.


If Trump gets the US, Canada and Greenland and holds them for a full game turn they get an extra two hundred thousand soldiers at the start of the next round, which to be fair they'll need when they roll their dice at Venezuela.


bottom of page