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PM defends UK refugee progress - or would do if there was any




A spokesman for the Prime Minister confirmed that as of today 'three Ukrainians have been admitted to the UK on top of the 1.5 million or so taken by Poland.' When pushed the spokesman said the PM thought it outrageous that all three had been admitted, but it turned out one was a potential Tory Party donor, 'so that was alright.'


'We are prepared to provide refuge for oligarchs, billionaires and all potential donors, of course,' added the spokesman, 'but those poor war-torn people - well, they're poor aren't they? What can they donate? Perhaps if they left any valuables at the Channel Tunnel entrance and returned to East Europe everybody would be happy,' he added.




First published 9 Mar 2022


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Europe surprised when total bastard starts shooting missiles at buildings





Many European commentators have declared themselves surprised and taken aback when a complete and utter bastard started shooting missiles at nearby buildings.


"We always knew Putin was a total slime tosser, but we thought he'd just be one in Syria or some republic we've never heard of, not somewhere they drive the same cars we do," said one.


"Yes, he covered half of Salisbury in nerve jelly, but we also figured him for a decent sort who would leave people alone to enjoy their tea. That was, of course, until he started firing missiles into buildings." said another.


"Of course, he's been accused been killing people in Europe for years, but always discretely and mostly journalists. We never thought he'd go in for the block booking," said a third.


Europe has been swift to respond and officially declare Putin a straight up 100% ****




First published 8 Mar 2022


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'Neighbours, everybody needs good neighbours, like me' croons Putin




The cancellation of the Australian soap Neighbours is now thought to be the primary motivation for the Russian invasion of Ukraine.


An aide to Putin said 'Vlad is a huge fan of Neighbours. He used to watch it twice a day, but he preferred it in the 1980s, much like the Soviet Union. He always used to sing along with the theme tune, you know, Neighbours... everybody needs good neighbours - like Russia! The show warmed the cockles of where his heart should be. Now it's being cancelled, he no longer believes good neighbours become good friends so the only possible alternative is invasion and the accompanying indiscriminate slaughter. Anyway who said nuclear war? Not me! Why are you always going on about nuclear war?'




First published 4 Mar 2022


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