top of page
ree

The signature death by window move of the Russian Secret Service has had a recent upgrade. To add a bit of variety, all man-verses-gravity-via-glass incidences are now even more surprising.


Many high ranking officials are opting for low level offices and therefore new window based life ending opportunities are being made available to them. The Minister of Special Operations was launched from a trebuchet though a sixth story window. A ground level based oligarch was smashed over the head twice with a patio door, a technique called “double glazing”.


A new Minister of Defenestration was himself accelerated into a new position when he was hit by a window installer lorry.


In a surprising move, the Minister of Bribes was killed with a saw whilst in his private jet. This seemed a little off brand for the secret service until it was found out it was Surface-to-Air Window that had brought down his plane.

Another self-made oligarch was found dead after having Windows Vista installed on his PC. Brutal.




ree

Missing since 2017, around the time that Boris Johnson was made Foreign Secretary in the hope that Theresa May could get him as far away from parliament as practically possible, the FBI has taken a particular interest in his travels in the former Soviet Union and in particular how the disappearance of Ruja Ignatova happened to coincide with the appearance of yet another new mistress in the life of an inherently fallible politician.


Once upon a time, lipstick on your collar might have told a tale on you, but modern forensic science is able to not only tell which lipstick was on your dipstick, but tell from the lip prints who was wearing it.


NewsBiscuit is not at liberty to say more at this time, but we remind our readers that softly softly catchee monkey, and the chances of getting the fat bastard locked up in the short term may be better if the FBI handle it rather than rely on House of Commons procedures.


ree

*UPDATE*


At the same moment our reporter posted this, NewsBiscuit received an email from a child who claims to be the lovechild of Boris Johnson and Ruja Ignatova, and on reading the news that Ruja Ignatova changed her appearance to look more like Carrie Symonds, wants to know if there's any chance of being a special case of a child getting fed under the current administration.


First published 3 July 2022



If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?






ree


ree


ree


ree



ree

Vlad the Bad had welcomed the challenge from Jevgenij the Cook-Monster. “Nobody trusts the regular elections in this country, it’s only when you survive a coup de etat that you can actually tell you’re a really popular guy.” International election monitors sent glowing reports during last week’s election, saying that unlike the 2018 Russian elections, this time both the government and the opposition sides had guns, tanks, and thousands of armed thugs. Additionally, both sides were able to freely publish porkies on the internet. “This was the most free and fair election in Russia since 1993, the last time tanks rolled into Moscow - I love watching democracy at work!”


Author: Dogular



First published 26 June 2023



If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?






ree


ree


ree


ree



bottom of page