Rwanda flights to be filled by victims of other crimes

Following the cancellation of the flight to deport asylum seekers to Rwanda, the government has decided to fill the newly created seats with other victims. 'We had budgeted for 322 seats including four in the landing gear and twelve in the baggage hold, but we now have lots of spaces', a government spokesman today.

'So we are going to fill the aircraft with other victims. Victims of marital violence will fill the front third of the plane, but without their children, obviously because that would be cruel. We're betting the abusers will really feel punished by that.

'And surviving victims of drink/drive and/or road rage will be filling the middle third, but not the emergency exit seats if they're still in plaster. That'll stop people drink-driving if there's no-one stupid enough left to walk on pavements at two in the afternoon, eh?

'The final third of the seats will be filled with members of the British public who have been victims of this government.

'We're actually expecting to have to put quite a few more flights on just for them,' he added.

Image: Pixabay/blende12

Truss: that flight will take place

'Bloody leftie woke snowflake Royal Family' scream Conservatives

Staunch Conservatives are calling the Royal Family 'bloody leftie woke snowflakes' for not being completely behind their crackpot plot to pack pro-Brit people off to Rwanda.

Larry the Downing Street cat, who is now the only thing with a mouth making any sense anywhere near central government, said, 'It's a bit weird really. These Conservatives have been banging on for a couple of centuries about how fawningly royal loyal they are, and now they're suddenly livid with the royals for not being as psychotically vicious as they would currently like.

'It's not just that. Conservatives are supposed to be the party of not changing too much and keeping things nicely in a rut. And here they are tearing up traditions, shredding their own recent agreements, and splitting up the UK quicker than you can say 'Conservative and Unionist Party'.

'And only Conservatives can be trusted with the economy? Have you seen what they've done? Again? The economy is heading south quicker than Jacob Rees-Mogg can stuff his personal wealth anywhere but Britain. Frankly, I'm profoundly ashamed to be associated with this lot in any way. They have the patriotic Union Jack waving promise of a V2 rocket.

'It's all as topsy-turvy as getting me, a cat, in for the purpose of removing rats because I'm naturally predisposed to stalking and killing them, and then finding me licking rats affectionately and leaving them little love notes.'

Image: Pixabay/Ichigo121212