Starmer: 'Stop the boats... full of Tory defectors'

Keir Starmer – the answer to the question who would finish third in a Keir Starmer lookalike competition, behind a Keir Starmer cardboard cutout and a Henry Hoover with print out of Keir Starmer’s face stuck on – has been forced to clamp down on the sheer number of Tory defectors to Labour.

One Labour MP said 'Most Tory MPs are sociopathically addicted to power and so have no problem changing parties in their lust for control. These Tory immigrants are arriving in small boats, sailing across the floor of the House of Commons. We could deport them to Rwanda for processing, but apparently, "that’s illegal". Boooooooring.'

'The Tories say we should leave the ECHR, but that's because the H stands for Human and so it doesn't apply to them.'

Photo by Dimitry Ljasuk on Unsplash

Take back control of our borders? The UK can't even control its Irish boundary line

The paradox of the Rwanda plan is that claiming it's a successful deterrent requires admission that a frictionless border with Ireland only works when the UK is in the EU.

'We told them many times,' sighed Elsa van Roest, EU head of stating the bleedin' obvious to the Brits. 'We even said it in plain English so that they might understand. Perhaps we should have used Cockney rhyming slang? Brexit meant that the Irish border would unavoidably become a backdoor between the UK and the EU. I would say inescapably instead of unavoidably, but now that the UK has... erm... misplaced several thousand asylum seekers, inescapable seems inappropriate.

'Like a flock of sheep accidentally transferred to Battersea Dogs Home, the UK has totally lost control of its borders. Collies everywhere. Now this whole mess has set the Irish off again, but I shall refrain from making more doggy puns about Irish setters.

'And we can't really understand what the British government is trying to achieve within its own borders. Asylum seekers who were actively presenting at Home Office facilities have decided not to bother any more. They are now effectively absorbed into the UK community, which is odd as that seemed to be precisely the opposite outcome to what racists were demanding.

'It's not all bad news, of course. Now that Scotland has also collapsed into disarray, we look forward to welcoming a relatively strong and stable Rwanda to the EU. I know this must be true because UK law says it is.'

Image: Pixabay/pixaline

Minister invited to join a Conga questions if is the same dance as the Rumba

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