Sunak "considering" closing stable doors

Sources close to, but taller than, the prime-minister have reported that he is considering closing the stable doors. Defence Minister, Grant Shapps, has said that an internal enquiry should be convened and it wouldn't be appropriate to comment on suggestions to close the stable doors whilst that was underway. 

"There are many options out there", said Mr Shapps, "Should we send nearby open doors to Rwanda as a deterrent to the stable doors opening? That makes sense to me. My head of department has suggested banging my head against them to check they're closed. I'm still considering that option."

A man who was kicked in the head by an escaped horse is believed to have changed his voting intentions to Tory.

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Lords pass cheeky bill to send themselves to the Maldives

While failing to overcome the inherent illegalities of offshoring desperate immigrants at the increasingly shrill behest of a rampantly vindictive government, the House of Lords has sought personal sanctuary in also attaching an amendment to send themselves to a luxury resort in the Maldives. Although in the context of Rwanda, the Maldives should be officially referred to as 'the other place'.

Lord Jobsworth confirmed, 'The Prime Minister of the other other place noisily confided in us all that if we passed his precious Rwanda bill, we could have whatever our hearts and offshore tax avoidance funds desired.

'To that end, there are several hundred additional amendments to the bill, including family home moats, duck houses, 300-year-old brandies, mountain ranges of cocaine and as many high end prostitutes as we can shake a limp stick at.

'The whole Rwanda thing was quite reasonable taxpayer value at a shade over £500 million, so we've just tacked on a cheeky few extra billion in additional costs. That's how democracy works these days. The lovely Suella Braverman shall have her moist dream of a front page splash in the Telegraph of poor souls shrieking all the way to East Africa.

'If that seems reasonable value to you, also included in the price is a sign for a small lectern with the three word slogan GET RWANDA DONE. And that concludes our part in the defrauding of a nation.

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Rwanda bill only impacts people called Bill

Instead of targetting thousands of asylum seekers, the new law will deport less than a dozen people, alongside a very confused Bill Oddie. Mr Sunak had promised to turn back the tide, instead he has just unleashed Bill Cosby on the unsuspecting women of Rwanda.

The error was attributed to the late-night vote and not enough coffee.

The House of Lords offered an amendment to extend the system to Williams and Billys, but by that point national treasure Bill Nighy was bound and gagged.

The Home Office apologised to any Bills effected: 'It feels that we are arbitrarily persecuting innocent people, at a huge cost to the taxpayer...but that was always the intention.'

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