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News has leaked of a new Andrew Lloyd Webber musical, said to be already in production, which promises to expose the insecurities and precariousness of 21st century work in the theatre industry.


Whilst details are sketchy at this stage, the new musical is thought to focus on the story of a group of lead and ensemble actors, and hundreds of back stage and support workers, who find out that a hit musical they were involved in is set to end very unexpectedly, and that they have lost their jobs.


'The first half of the musical opens against the backdrop of a global pandemic, with our hero, a theatre magnate thundering out a showstopping tune about how the show must go on, and how he will risk arrest to open his theatres during a lockdown', said a source close to Lloyd Webber.


'The show opens to great acclaim but then there's this crisis point just before the end of the first half where the same billionaire theatre magnate pulls the plug on the show, and because it's a bank holiday weekend, a lot of the cast find out the news on social media', continued the source. 'I know, the plot's a bit unbelievable, but its no worse than Love Never Dies.'


'It's got everything, zero hours contracts, rampant job insecurity, a rags to riches story (well rags for most, riches for a few) and an owner who once flew across the Atlantic to vote in the house of Lords for cuts to working tax credits', said the source. 'The punters will love it'.


Like Cinderella, it's thought there'll also be some surprises hidden within scenery - this time, a revolving stage door so that cast and crew can be dismissed even more easily when the time comes.


photo: https://pixabay.com/users/12019-12019/




A burglar in Hull has admitted that he broke the law when robbing a local household, and now thinks that he can sail away with it if he offers his victims a small fraction of the loot back, it has emerged.


"I hold my hands up" said Peter Pebbledash, when police pointed a gun at him, "I chose not to consult the householders beforehand, as there is no way they would have agreed to me entering their home, ripping their TV off the wall, and making off with it plus sundry items of jewellery and the kids' Playstations. What else could I have done?"


"But in recognition of the fact that my actions were undoubtedly illegal, I am happy to comply fully with the legal penalties for my actions, by which I mean give them the £50 I got their DVD collection."


Mr Pebbledash, who police suspect is also responsible for similar offences in Southampton and Liverpool, was then heard protesting loudly and making waves. "My citizenship is registered in Bermuda, you can't arrest me in the UK" as he was led off to cells pending formal charging.


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