Festive panic is sweeping the nation after Santa Claus announced he will be outsourcing Christmas gift deliveries to Evri and other mainstream courier companies this year.
Santa said he has been forced to make logistical changes, confessing that Rudolph and the other reindeer are all getting on a bit, and are now more arthritic than magical. “They’ve done wonderfully up to now,” Santa said of his reindeer, “but Dasher’s knees click like a Geiger counter, Prancer needs a sit-down after going up a slight incline and Blitzen has started asking about retirement. Rudolph’s nose still lights up,” Santa explained, “but mostly because it’s inflamed. We had to face facts.”
Under the new system, presents will be distributed by a range of courier services, including Evri, Yodel and Royal Mail, prompting widespread concern that Christmas morning will involve less unwrapping and more frantic checking of tracking numbers. Many fear that children will wake up to find their gifts ‘delivered’ somewhere near the property, possibly balanced on a wheelie bin, lobbed over a fence into a puddle, or at a neighbour’s house three doors down who swears blind they haven’t seen anything. One parent reported already receiving a notification stating their child’s Xbox has been delivered to ‘a safe place,’ though they have no idea where that might be.
Even more alarming is the prospect of waking on Christmas Day and finding nothing but ‘attempted delivery’ cards, explaining that no one was home at 3am on Christmas Eve despite the entire household being asleep upstairs, and that another attempt will be made ‘sometime between January and March’.
Some presents will be delivered by Amazon, arriving promptly but inside boxes large enough to briefly destabilise the Earth’s rotation. Experts estimate that by Boxing Day, Britain’s living rooms will contain more cardboard than furniture, forcing families to spend the day flattening boxes, and Googling ‘when does the recycling centre reopen?’
Santa has urged calm, insisting the magical spirit of Christmas remains intact. “It’s still Christmas,” he said cheerfully. “Just… with tracking.”
When asked how he’ll be spending Christmas this year, Santa replied, “Well, I usually sleep all Christmas Day, to recover from working on Christmas Eve. But this year, I’ll be relaxing with Mrs Claus, and enjoying a lovely Christmas dinner – roast Rudolph, with all the trimmings.
"Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!”
Image: JACLOU-DL - Pixabay
