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NATO asks for a war for Christmas


The Head of NATO said he was super excited to get play with Action Men figures, once his wish for WWIII comes true. Singing a rendition of O Come All Ye Soldiers and Jingle Shells, he declared that Europe must go to war with Russia, if he is to meet his appraisal targets.


He said Santa’s Shock and Awe would ensure that Slay Bells Ring, while he encouraged all NATO members to Deck the Halls with Boughs of Ammo. When asked if he thought a winter offensive would be a good idea, he said everyone loves a white Xmas in Moscow—just ask Napoleon.


He was confident that Noel of Duty would work, just like Syria, Libya had been stellar successes. He said "Santa's bound to have a list of whose naught and nice. Who has oil, minerals, what Blackrock needs. All of these will factored in. What I can sure is that everyone will get a bit of Ukraine in their stocking—apart from the Ukrainians. They won't even get to keep a lump of coal."


image from pixabay

DA haircut Teddy bears with drape jackets and drainpipe trousers top list of gifts



A survey of Clacton children’s letters to Santa has revealed that the most popular requests children in Clacton are asking for in their letters to Santa, are teddy bears that resemble the teddy boys, who in the 50s, descended on the town on bank holiday weekends, intent on causing mayhem.


Sociologists drafted in from Grauniad-reading parts of the Home Counties, have suggested there may be a link between grandmothers in the town who became single parents after the teddy boys left to return to work after the bank holidays to work in fag factories in the east end of London, recalling that the highlight of their lives was when they were sweet-talked by a posh wide boy as he breathed beer and fag fumes over them while he had his wicked way with them, and the palaver of the struggle to remove the drainpipe trousers added to something unique to the foreplay.


“It’s no surprise to me that when a similarly-clad wide boy turned up in Clacton, dressed in a faux Edwardian coat to charm these ladies again in his appeal to become their MP, that they voted for him, but he effed off, never intending to return until seeking re-election.” said Germiane Fuck-me-Shoes, a feminist campaigner who Newsbiscuit managed to interview after intervening in a fight at a bus stop to canvas her views on the popularity of teddy boy teddy bears.




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