A few more snippets from NB archives

1912. Guardian leads with "Rare Endangered Iceberg Feared Damaged After Collision With Ship".

1933. Austrian immigrant overcomes prejudice and bigotry to become Chancellor of Germany.

1936. Edward VIII forced to abdicate in favour of brother after Bank of England accidentally puts George's face on 1,000,000,000 pound notes.

1938. Neville Chamberlain describes meal he shared with Hitler. "Peas in our thyme" remark widely misunderstood.

1939. Berlin branch of WH Smith notes sharp rise in sale of Polish phrasebooks.

1940. French become Surrender Champions of Europe and hold title for four years running.

1945. Führexit.

1945. Surviving residents of Nagasaki reassured to know sudden spike in temperature not due to climate change.

1956. Busload of bewildered Dynorod men stranded in Egypt due to "sewers crisis" mixup.

1960. Unbanning of Lady Chatterley fuels huge rise in demand for rough rural sex. Harold Macmillan tells gamekeepers: "You've never had it so good".

1969. In US, millions burn draft cards to avoid being sent to moon. On landing, Armstrong utters famous words, "It's grim up here but at least it's not Vietnam".

1980. Millions turn out to celebrate election of first Geriatrican-American president.

2001. "Three-point turn" to replace "Dodge the Twin Towers" in test for Saudi pilot licence.

Image: Taylor Flowe (@taypaigey) | Unsplash Photo Community

Macron regrets having shaken hands with Mo bin Salman

Football transfer gossip to replace actual football

An internal Celestial Sports memo is to recommmend they stop showing actual football to focus solely on football transfers and gossip.

The memo read: 'Live football involves not one but two continuous 45 minute segments where we cannot show ads for gambling apps and Ray Winstone's disembodied head is not happy. We also can't show pointless countdowns to things or shots of footballers getting into or out of expensive cars. Or former professional players rehashing old grudges and failing to provide even basic analysis.'

'Transfer gossip provides fans with hope. Actual matches only prove that hope was misguided. Additionally, every penny Saudi Arabia spends on transfers for Newcastle United is a penny they aren't using to behead journalists, oppress women and silence critics of the regime.'

'The only potential downside is more airtime for Robbie Savage.'