Dedicated Family Man Sauron Assassinated

Middle-earth was left reeling this week after dedicated family man and industrious tycoon Sauron was reportedly assassinated in a two-pronged attack. The assailants included a cross-dressing soldier and two Hobbits, rumoured to be members of the LGBTQ+ community.

'He was a hero, a defender of free speech and Mordor’s values,” said a grieving spokesperson for his orc constituency. “He may have held some controversial opinions, but that doesn’t condone violence of any kind. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.'

Witnesses describe a chaotic scene outside Barad-dûr, where the attackers reportedly scaled the Dark Tower’s walls using what one observer described as 'suspiciously glittery climbing gear.'

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Sauron Announces Retirement: Says Goals 'Mostly Achieved'

Sauron, the Dark Lord, announced his retirement today in a statement posted on his Instagram account. ‘With 170 of the 195 nations of the world ruled by total wankers, and humans spewing planet-searing carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, I feel that my objectives here are mostly achieved,’ Sauron said. ‘And the ever-present threat of nuclear annihilation just adds to the fun,’ the statement continued.

Sauron noted that what he’ll miss most about the job is working ‘hand in claw’ with such ‘star pupils’ as Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump. ‘Nothing is more gratifying than seeing excellent students master the subject matter so thoroughly,’ Sauron said. The Lidless Eye acknowledged that as a last official act he will help Trump by sending ‘a brace of Nazgul’ to kidnap Kamala Harris, adding, ‘It’s really the least I could do.’

 With the infinite time Sauron will now have available in retirement, he said he would probably ‘putter around the garden as anyone would, developing plant-based toxins usable in mass casualty events.’ He also plans on completing his much-anticipated memoirs. ‘They’ll be written in blood, of course,’ said Sauron’s literary agent in a phone interview. ‘It will all be very on-brand.’

Picture credit: Wix AI