Man accepts that he might be AI

Arthur Jenkins (51) has ‘reluctantly’ accepted that he might no longer be real.

‘I haven’t been watching The Matrix or eating cheese before bed or anything like that’, he told reporters. ‘It’s just that deepfakes are getting so good that I genuinely can’t tell the difference. I saw one yesterday, Nigel Farage in a Russian hat counting out handfuls of roubles, but when I sent it to my girlfriend she said it was AI generated, and then she told me that she’s AI generated. I was gutted. Never had a stunner before.'

Arthur’s ‘girlfriend’ turned out to be some lines of code sitting on a server in California. NewsBiscuit asked her for comment, but she wanted our credit card details, and we don’t have one. Are we real?

List of ‘Well-being’ scams doesn’t include Well-Being

In excess of £9bn is scammed each year by exploiting people’s mental health, but oddly this does not include getting a coffee enema while listening to Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina make the sound of whale song.

Said one conman: ‘I recently targeted a bereaved widow with a phishing scam, but she was instantly suspicious. That was until I offered her a deep tissue massage with a stress dog, then she gave me her bank details and front door key without batting an eyelid’.

Vulnerable adults will get naked in front of a stranger, just on the spurious offer of a face mask made from jojoba and panda poop. They will happily pay a fortune for any promise of meditation, provided it involves a dolphin cardio and yoga with a family of meerkats.

The Government warned: ‘If you are stressed about being scammed, then please ring our hot line, where you can listen to the sax solo from ‘Baker Street’ and order a scented candle shaped like Greta Thunberg’.

Something Similar	Secret Santa?	Something Different
Weighing school kids will tell us if they are carrying knives	Perfect	Johnson impregnates medical staff using elbow

www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 19 Oct 2021

If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

Earth to be Recycled

Five go Dobbing in the Neighbours

15 Years of Typos

Lego to Replace Bitcoins

Doctors warn against listening to Trump while pregnant

Doctors have warned pregnant women not to listen to Donald Trump, as doing so could harm their unborn child.

'Stress and depression during pregnancy can negatively impact on the foetus' said Dr Jane Jones of the New England College of Actual Medicine As Opposed To Speculative Bullshit, 'and there is no surer route to stress and depression than hearing Trump speak and realising this is one of the most powerful people in the world.'

Medical authorities later amended the advice to add that Trump should not be listened to by non-pregnant women, or by men, or indeed anyone ever. They also recommended 'relocating out of the USA to somewhere far away where you'll never hear about him, I don't know, somewhere remote like Greenland.'

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive