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Trading Standards officers have been inundated with complaints about ‘ready to eat’ pears.  Customers say that, despite paying twice the price of ordinary pears, ready-to-eat pears are often anything but.


‘It’s obviously a scam,’ says pear-loving Colin Froot from Dorset.  ‘You buy regular pears in bulk, repackage them as ‘ready-to-eat’ and double the price.  Instant profit.  It’s the same dodgy crew that buy ordinary eggs and repackage them as free-range.


‘I’m fed up with buying ‘ready-to-eat’ pears that are so hard that you could rob a jewellers shop with them.  And when I buy a tray of ‘ready-to-eat’ pears and a bag of ripen at home pears, then guess what?  They are all bullet hard when I get them home, and they all suddenly and randomly go soft on the same day in about two weeks time.  And the day after that, they’re all just a sticky puddle in the fruit bowl.


‘Fresh fruit is a big scam.  In future, I’m only going to eat UPFs.  They’re not good for you, but at least you know what you’re getting.


Photo by khloe arledge on Unsplash


‘NATO is a self-defence organisation and right now NATO needs to defend itself’, a spokesman told NewsBiscuit.


‘As well as rebranding NATO we will award Donald Trump the NATO Medal for Bravery and give him a 5% skim off the top. All nations will need to increase their budgets a little, but at least we won’t be showing Putin our naked arses’.


A spokesman for the White House said that 5% was ‘an insult’ and that he knew where NATO’s wife and children lived, so if NATO didn’t fancy coming home to an ugly wife with a remodelled face it should up the offer to 20% minimum.

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