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NASA scientists to smash next probe into Kwasi Kwarteng head

Writer: Gerontius
Gerontius
53 minutes ago


Following the success of their asteroid smashing experiment, controllers based at the Johns Hopkins University Applied Physics Laboratory (JHU-APL) say they will now turn their attention to the rock-like substance that lies between Kwasi Kwarteng’s ears.


Space agency executive Dr. Doris Glazier admitted they were not sure if the Kwarteng impact would be as successful as the deep space collision, but they would at least give it a go.


‘The DART probe only had to travel seven million miles to reach its destination before smashing into the asteroid.

It sounds impressive, but Kwarteng inhabits a totally different solar system to the rest of us and we’re not entirely sure if he can be reached.


And as his mini-budget showed, Kwarteng’s brain is thicker than any space rock known to man.

DART was travelling at 15,000 mph when it crashed into the asteroid, but we’re not sure if that would have any significant impact on the rubble found inside the Chancellor’s brain.


But we have to try; we need to find something to make him change direction. The asteroid rocket may be our only chance’.


Observers say Mr Kwarteng’s policies could bring about the death of the last remaining dinosaurs on Earth, or the Tory party as they are more commonly known here in the UK.



First published 2 Oct 2022


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Scientists discover that brain cells die in Alzheimer’s disease 'because they want to'

Writer: Jeremynh
Jeremynh
Sep 24


'For years, we’d been trying to discover why brain cells die off in Alzheimer’s disease,' a leading scientist from the UK's Dementia Research Institute told reporters yesterday.


'But in a way, the answer had been staring us right in the face.


'Just think about what you've all done! You have made your poor brain cells sit through thousands of episodes of breakfast TV featuring Holly, Phil and Roland Rat.


'You have subjected them to Kylie Minogue and Rick Astley, and the speeches of every self-regarding, prating politician from Reginald Maudling and Edward Heath to Angela Rayner.


'Meanwhile, they have gone through years of witnessing the moronic antics of Coleen Rooney, Jeremy Beadle, Boris Johnson and Emu without rebelling and turning you loopy.


'And every morning, you have woken up and started force-feeding them a heart-breaking diet of news stories about killer floods, fires, famines, wars, earthquakes, and golden-haired children going missing.


'Is it any wonder that, after a nearly of lifetime of constant exposure to all this toxic bilge, they simply decided – one after another – to end their pitiful lives?


'What we're saying is: if you don't want your brain cells to desert you, stop showing them the dismal levels to which human existence has sunk in 21st century Britain.



First published 24 Sep 2023


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Scientists warn about the effects of Nicholas Witchell

Writer: Irrelevant
Irrelevant
Sep 17


In scenes reminiscent of the daily Covid briefings, Professor Chris Whitty, Professor Jonathan Van Tamm and Sir Patrick Valalnce have reunited as the Holy Trinity of scientific opinion to issue a government health warning about the possible effects of over exposure to Nicholas Witchell in the next few days.


Beginning with the calming phrase that helped soothe a nation during the pandemic, 'Next slide please' Professor Chris Whitty revealed that whilst some would have a natural immunity to Witchell, others might be highly vulnerable to his voice that makes Marvin the Paranoid Android appear off his tits on wizz. This could cause people to fall asleep at the wheel of a vehicle, whilst operating heavy machinery or whipping up a quick marmalade sandwich."


"Long after an initial exposure", Sir Patrick Valance continued, "people might find themselves inexplicably uttering mantras such as, 'The Royal family doesn't comment on the health of the Monarch’, or ‘It would be wrong to speculate but…” showing a level of infection not even Covid reached at it's peak. The NHS should be prepared for a wave of people infected with what SAGE are calling Witchell waffle ."


Bringing the emergency health bulletin to a close, Professor Jonathan Van Tamm, dressed in his beloved Boston United football kit warned, "People might think they can deal with it, but Witchell, whose overtime payments alone are set to be responsible for a doubling of the licence fee, has according to viewing figures already been on our TV screens for longer than the little girl who used to play naughts and crosses with her doll. Listen to the science. Our advice is stay away from your TV sets and mobile devices. Turn off your radios and for heaven's sake do not buy the Daily Mail until at least October."


image from pixabay



First published 16 Sep 2022


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