Sturgeon promises Scottish military aid to Ukraine

Following the commitment of £1bn of equipment from the breakaway rebel Southern British government in Westminster, the established mainstream government in the Democratic People's Republic of Caledonia has promised to provide complementary aid and weapons to Ukraine.

A spokesman for President Sturgeon announced the details at a press conference:

'See, all this stuff from the Johnson-led gorillas? it's all medium or long range, ye ken? It's all missiles 'n rockets 'n 'things, right? But what about when ye get tae close up fightin', eh? Ye cannae be asking yer enemy tae back off 50 miles, just so ye can bazooka 'em up the jaxie. So what we're doing is providing the brave Kyivvies wi' the lethal weapons 'n trainin' they'll need for hand-tae-hand fightin'.

'First, we're invitin' a company o' Ukrainians tae come and take part in some combat readiness trainin' in Glasgee. This'll include an Orange Walk along Janefield Street, right outside Parkhead. By God, they'll need tae keep alert there, eh!

'They'll be equipped with the very same close-combat weapons we'll be shippin' tae Kyiv. These'll include the Mark XVII Broken Bottle, the 'MindYerFingers' Cutthroat Razor, an' the 'HeidsOrWindaesWhoCares' Brickplus Special

'In the unlikely event of an armaments shortage in Kyiv, we will also be trainin' the boys - as a last resort - to welcome their Russian aggressors wi' open arms.

An' gie 'em a good ol' Kyiv Kiss!

'Mon the 'Krainians!'

They think it’s been legalised... it has now

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst has been incredibly busy, collating the list of illegal things Boris Johnson has done, so that they can all be legalised.

'It's been hard work, but nowhere near as Torylicious as discussing with the PM the crimes he will commit in the future so we can legalise them ahead of time. It's like a reverse "Minority Report". Let me tell you, he has some wide ranging criminal appetites, some of them eye-wateringly sexual. I had to Google some of it, so I’m probably on a register now. I’ve been pulling all-nighters and occasionally vomiting on the walls, but not because of the booze this time.'

It is now illegal to be Keir Starmer whilst the only form of photo ID now acceptable for voting is a Conservative Party membership card. Burglary is legal if your MP is Labour whilst in Tory constituencies you can get various household items absolutely free, albeit second hand and with no receipts. Liberal Democrats can now be hunted with hounds, whilst an invasion of Scotland gets the green light, though to save money this will consist of seizing the - already English - town of Berwick-upon-Tweed and declaring total victory.

BoJo meanwhile has been preparing for the next Downing Street karaoke bash, busting out some Rasta sounds to perform a raunchy version of Shaggy's 'It wasn't me'. Hootington-Hurst noted 'His Jamaican lilt is, if anything, more racist than you imagine.'

Legal Illegal Choose - Free photo on Pixabay

Leg-crossing kilt wearers may distract at Highland Games

Some Highland Games events due to start next month face cancellation due to the prospect of competitors crossing and uncrossing their legs while wearing kilts. This provocative activity is now considered by a Scottish so-called newspaper to be an attempt to distract Games officials from making good judgements, even though the public think that the lecherous old fools are incapable of that anyway.

According to the tabloid rag, among the events under threat are vigorous dance competitions such as Highland Flings and Sword Dances which can lead to tantalising glimpses of thighs. Even the Hammer Throw can lead to the kilt flying up in an alluring way, causing judges to make terrible decisions and face abuse from the public as a result.

‘Despite the proud heritage of the Highland Games, we need to recognise what the kilt has become when worn during our more revealing events’ explained reporter Kenny McSween. ‘Revealing a bit of leg while wearing a kilt is now a weapon of mass distraction.’

However, almost everyone associated with the Highland Games is appalled at Mr McSween’s ill-judged, offensive stance, calling him a complete Caber Tosser.