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‘Ugh, but when is it International Men’s Day’ asks douchebag


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International Women’s Day takes place on 8th March and as usual the idea of devoting as many as one day out of 365 to the social, economic, cultural, and political achievements of women has been deemed unnecessary by some men.


‘Never mind the gender pay gap and domestic violence… a whole day for women is too woke.’ shouted one man. ‘I don’t like women’s football either. England’s women made the men look bad by winning a tournament after the advent of colour television. Winning something after men (not women) walked on the moon. It’s unnatural.’


‘I’ve internalised my misogyny’ said one woman deferentially ‘I always have my man’s dinner on the table when he gets home and I can’t wait for International Men’s Day on 19th November.’



www.newsbiscuit.com

Shock in Pontypandy as Fireman Sam’s ‘hero’ reputation goes up in smoke


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The Welsh village of Pontypandy has been left reeling by the news that ‘hero next door’ Fireman Sam is actually a sexist, racist, bullying pr*ck.


Chief Fire Officer Boyce received complaints from female firefighters Ellie Phillips and Penny Morris, who said Sam frequently sends them inappropriate images of his ‘fireman’s hose’, and texts inviting them to polish his ‘big, red engine’. There have also been accusations of bullying from firefighter Elvis Cridlington, who said Sam regularly sh*ts in his helmet. Nurse Helen Flood reported that Sam often makes racist remarks towards her, and café owner Bella Lasagne said he's always taking the p*ss out of her Italian accent. Bella also stated that her real name is in fact Maria Conti, and ‘Bella Lasagne’ is actually an offensive nickname given to her by Sam.


Chief Fire Officer Boyce said, “The whole village is ablaze with talk of Fireman Sam’s incendiary behaviour, and the good reputation of Pontypandy’s Fire Service has been reduced to ashes. These allegations have sparked a major investigation, and as a result Sam’s career ambitions within the Fire Service will be extinguished. He won’t be climbing the ladder - he’ll be fired immediately, and I don’t care if he is put out about it. Hopefully losing his job will damp down his enthusiasm for behaving like a flaming w*nker, but I doubt it.”


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